Akatsuki is the new Green
by TortureMegan
Summary: In a world where terrorists and environmentalists are the same, follow the adventures of Deidara and Naruto  well, mostly Deidara  as they are convinced/bribed into joining the famous terrorist group Akatsuki.
1. Prologue

**Note: I do not own any of the characters used in this story, and receive no monetary benefit from writing/posting this. This story features violence and terrorism. If you are averse to these topics, I'd suggest you do not read this story. Also, this story will have hints of homosexuality and actual full blown mention of heterosexual and homosexual activities. If you are averse to heterosexuality, you can either not read or skip over the heterosexual part. If you are averse to homosexuality, you have three options: 1. Don't read this story. 2. Read the story ignoring all hints of homosexuality up until a certain chapter where I will indicate that homosexuality begins, at which point you can stop reading. 3. Read the story anyways and be mean to me about it. The choice is yours!**

"Naruto! Wake up, un!"

"Urgh…Five more minutes…"

"No! We have to go, un!"

"Please? Just five more?"

"The cops are here."

Naruto immediately shot up.

"In the building?"

"Not yet, un. They're searching the street, it won't be long until they find us."

The taller blonde grabbed his bag and hastily began throwing his stuff in it.

"Where are we gonna go?"

"We could go back to that forest, un."

"If they haven't burnt it down already, that is."

He pulled the bag onto his shoulders and stood up.

"Right, I'm ready."

"Um…You're still in your underwear, un."

"Shit!"

He quickly yanked on a pair of sweatpants and a t shirt, glaring at the other blonde who was laughing at him.

"Now I'm ready."

"Okay, let's go un."

All traces of laughter now gone, they snuck downstairs. Naruto, the tall, lean one with spiky blonde hair and whisker marks on his cheeks glanced out the kitchen window.

"Not a chance of us getting out the front. They're everywhere!"

"I'll check the back, un."

The smaller, more effeminate blonde with real long hair left the kitchen, returning a few minutes later.

"It's not completely clear but I'm sure we'll make it, un. Try to be inconspicuous."

"Try telling yourself that!"

"Oh, shush up!"

He lightly slapped the taller boy, who was cackling like a witch.

"Okay, we seriously need to leave, like, now, un."

"Alright, alright. I'm coming. Don't get your panties in a twist."

"I do not wear 'panties', un!"

"Yeah you do!"

"I wear boxers, like a real man, un!"

"You're a man?"

"I hate you, un."

"Love you too Deidara!"

"You have news for me?"

"Yes. Recently, someone else has started demolishing factories in the industrial estate of Lake Michigan. Someone that's not one of us."

"An enemy organization?"

"That's highly doubtful. One of Zetsu's spies was in the Iwagakure Auto Factory when they attacked. The attackers were described as a pair of blondes, possibly a brother and sister."

"Only two? But then how did they take an entire factory down by themselves?"

"Apparently what we first believed to be a scout run was actually a bomb run, as the factory exploded shortly after their departure."

"Hm…Interesting. Tell me more about these two."

"The male is about Sasori's height, with spiky blonde hair and cerulean blue eyes. He has three marks on each cheek that resemble whiskers, and his canines are animalistically sharpened. The female is slightly shorter and has long blonde hair, part of which is pulled up into a ponytailer along with bangs covering her left eye. Her eyes, or at least the visible one, are the same blue as her companions."  
>"So they're siblings?"<p>

"That's the assumption."

"Interesting…"

"What are your orders?"

"Send Itachi and Kisame to capture these two and bring them to mo. I'd like to learn more about these two."

"As you wish."

**I hope you enjoyed this chapter/prologue, and that you will enjoy the rest of my story!**


	2. 1st Meeting with the Akatsuki

**Note: I do not own any of the characters used in this story, and receive no monetary benefit from writing/posting this. **

"Are they still following us?"

"Yup.

"Shit."

"Agreed, un."

"Can't you just blow them up or something?"

"They haven't attacked us yet, so no. I'm trying to save up for our next dem run since I won't be able to get any more clay before then."

"Aaargh! This is so goddamn frustrating!"

"Agreed, un."

"Interesting to see that you're so annoyed by our presence."

"Look, just tell us what the fuck you want, then get the hell away from us! We're kinda busy, you know!"

"Calm down. Our leader wants to speak with you."

"Speak with us? Yeah right."

"No, all he wants is to talk. Nothing more."

"Highly doubt that, un. Besides, as my friend said earlier, we're busy."

"Yeah, so go tell your leader to screw himself!"

"He probably would if it were possible…"

"Kisame."

"Sorry."

"Anyhow. Our leader had expected you to say something like that."

"Really, un? Then he's an idiot for sending you."

"Actually, we're to take you to him whether you like it or not. Sorry."

"Kisame. What have I told you about apologizing to the enemy?"

"Um…Not to do it?"

"And what did you just do?"

"Sorry Itachi."

"Just, knock them out already please."

"Yes sir!"

The blue man jumped down from the tree, only to be punched in the face by the taller blonde.

"Ah! Shit!"

"Take that, fish man!"

"Right, that's it!"

He grabbed his sword by the blade and swung it, hitting his opponent in the side with the handle. The boy went flying into his friend, knocking them both to the floor.

"Fuck! Dei, you okay?"

"Fine, un. Naruto look out!"

He turned around just a second too late, and was met by the blue man's fist embedding itself in his face. Once more he went flying, this time hitting a tree and collapsing at the bottom of it. He didn't get up again.

"Naruto, un!"

"Now, you gonna come quietly, or are we gonna have to knock you out like your precious brother?"

Deidara hesitated a few seconds before standing up.

"I'll go with you. But I'm carrying him, un!"

"Go ahead."

"Deidara? What-Where are we?"

"Ssh. Some psychos attacked us, want us to talk to their leader un. That guy was crazy strong."

"Yeah, I can tell. So what's the plan?"

"We'll go along with them… for now. I do still have my clay, you know."

"Hehe, you rock!"

"I know un."

Their conversation was interrupted by the entrance of the tall, shark like man with blue hair and blue skin.

"Our leader will see you now."

They followed him out of the prison room and through a maze of hallways to a large, dark door. Deidara decided that it was made of mahogany. The blue guy (or as he'd started calling him in his head, Mr. Blue) knocked on the door.

"Yes?"

"I've brought the terrorists, as you ordered."

"Send them in."

He opened the door and all but shoved the two blondes in. They were in an office. There was a large desk in front of them, and behind the desk was seated a man with orange hair, excessive piercings, and a commanding aura. To his left stood a blue haired woman with a paper flower in her hair.

"Hello. I am Pein, and this is Konan. It is nice to meet you."

"What do you want?"

"Just to talk. We've heard of your demolishments, and were curious to learn more."

"What more is there to know? We find a factory, we destroy it, we move on to the next one. Much like what you do, though I'm sure your methods are far more comlex, un. You are the Akatsuki, after all."

"So you've heard of us?"

"I doubt there's anyone that hasn't."

"Is it just the two of you, or are there more?"

"It's just us. But we're more than capable of taking you down if that's a challenge!"

"Calm down, it's not. How long have you been demolishing?"

"Eh, about fourteen years or so, un."

"That's a long time for kids like you."

"We ain't kids, you're just old!"

"Creeper, un."

"You know, you have quite a deep voice for a girl."

Naruto burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?"

"I'm a **guy**, un!"

"Oh. Um, sorry, but you look a lot like a girl."

"Haha! H-He thought you were a chick!"

"Shut up Naruto!"

Blushing, he pushed his friend to the floor.

"So how do you manage to demolish these large factories between the two of you?"

"That's a secret, un."

"Don't worry, you can tell us."

"Look, we don't even really know you, un. Besides, why should you care? If we're in your way, well, we're leaving the area soon, we just have one more dem run left. Now you said you just wanted to talk, and we're done talking, so we'll just be leaving now. Bye, un!"

He grabbed Naruto and started for the door.

"Not so fast."

They reluctantly came to a halt.

"I have a proposal for you."

"What is it, un?"

"As I'm sure you know, working independently is risky and dangerous. It would be far safer if you were to join an organization that could help protect you. Your demolishing skills would be quite useful to us, and in return we'd provide for you and ensure your safety. So what do you say about joining us?"

"Can we have a minute to talk about this, un?"

"Of course."

They moved a few paces away and huddled together. Pein and Konan watched on in amusement as they hurriedly whispered, and Naruto mimed…Dancing the hula? Eventually they came back to stand before the two Akatsuki.

"Have you decided?"

"Yeah. We don't want part of your organization, un."

"Sorry, but no isn't an option."

Pein snapped his fingers, and eight other men in Akatsuki cloaks appeared in the room.

"It is with us."

Deidara pulled out a clay bird and placed it on the floor, pumping chakra in it to make it grow. With his other hand he pulled out a clay spider and flung it up to the ceiling.

"Katsu, un!"

The roof exploded, raining down debris. The Akatsuki members were so distracted they didn't even see the blondes climb onto the bird, or see it take off.

"See ya bitches!"

"Shit!"

"Shit indeed."

"What now?"

"We find them, and make them join, whether they like it or not!"

**So, just to clarify: dem run is basically when a person/group of people go to the factory they're going to destroy and destroy it, dem run being short for demolish(destroy) run. Scout runs are where they scope the layout of the factory, and there's other runs depending on the methods used. For example, Deidara blows factories up, so he does a bomb run. And yes they have chakra, no Deidara doesn't have hand mouths (even though they're awesome!) and Sasori isn't a puppet. Also, Pein is one person with one body, and Nagato and Yahiko were Pein and Konan's friends in high school, basically not really important in this story. If there's anything else that's unclear, feel free to tell me and I'll try to explain it! But I think that's the only confusing bits so far… Although I'm just going by what confuses my sis when she reads this, so might not be right. Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this chapter!**


	3. Ramen! The Food of Gods!

**Note: I do not own any of the characters used in this story, and receive no monetary benefit from writing/posting this. **

"Are you going to blow the pillar up or not?"

"Not. I don't have enough clay left for it, un."

"So, what do we do?"

"We'll have to remove the pillar ourselves to weaken the support structure sufficiently enough to make up for the lack of explosives in this area."

"Huh?"

"Just destroy the pillar, un."

"Yes sir!"

Deidara watched on curiously as Naruto drew back a fist, concentrated his chakra to it, and hit the pillar. He didn't see how Naruto managed to do that without hurting himself; of course, his own chakra was explosive, so if he tried to do that he'd probably blow himself up, but he still couldn't get his head around the concept of Naruto being able to punch the stone without shattering all the bones in his hand. Then again Naruto was physically very strong, much stronger than himself, with more acute senses. His strength lay in his intellect and his unique clay bombs. They made a good team; Deidara made the plans and set the bombs, and Naruto took care of any witnesses there might be.

"Yo, this good enough?"

Deidara blinked back into reality. The pillar looked ready to collapse at the slightest touch.

"No, it needs to be completely gone, un."

"I punch this thing one more time, the roof's coming down on us!"

"That's why we saved this place for last. Punch it again, and get ready to run like fuck, un."

"Okay, here goes nothing."

Naruto drew back his fist and sent into flying into the support beam. There was a loud rumble, and both blondes immediately took off for the exit.

"Are you sure they came to this factory?"

"Absolutely positive! Any minute now, it'll explode!"

The red head was about to reply when a small portion of the factory in question collapsed in on itself.

"Wow, great 'explosion'."

"Look, I'm sure they came here!"

"All the other places they dem'd, exploded. Not collapsed in on themselves. Tch, pathetic excuse for a spy."

He pulled out his katana and sliced the other man's head clean off.

"Erm, Sasori."

"What, Sasuke?"

"He was right. They did come here."

Following the dark haired boys finger, he spotted their targets running out of the main exit of the factory. The one with longer hair abruptly stopped and turned back around. Shortly thereafter his companion noticed and also stopped. There appeared to be a brief conversation between the two, during which time Sasori and Sasuke crept closer to the unsuspecting blondes.

"I'm telling you, it will be fine, un!"

"And I'm telling you you're too close! You told me have to be past that rock to be safe!"

"But that was when the wind was blowing in a predominantly north-western direction, whereas now it's blowing eastward."

"English please?"

"Katsu un!"

The factory exploded in a symphony of fire, smoke, and air that singed the grass they stood on.

"Told you so, un."

"Whatever."

Naruto walked to stand next to his brother as they watched the flames lick up any remains of the factory.

"Pyromaniac."

"Am not, un."

"Are too."

Sasori smirked. This would be too easy, they were leaving themselves wide open. Suddenly Naruto froze, then spun around, flinging Deidara behind him.

"You guys!"

"Hello again. Congratulations on finally noticing us, we've only been watching you since you left the factory."

"What did you think of my explosion, un?"

Sasori stared blankly at the blonde.

"What?"

"Don't you know about art, un?"

"Art is something eternal, it's beauty preserved forever for everybody to see. No relation whatsoever to your explosion."

"You've got it all wrong, un! Art is fleeting, a transient matter that is there one minute and gone the next, that those fortunate enough to have witnessed it will remember for the rest of their lives!"

"You have got to be the stupidest blonde I have ever met."

"Hey! Don't you dare talk about my brother that way!"

Enraged, Naruto charged at Sasori, who only just managed to step out of the way in time.

"Sasuke, take care of this one."

"Hn."

Sasuke lunged forwards, red eyes flashing, and jabbed Naruto in the side right between his ribs, sending the blonde boy flying.

"Shit!"

Sasori smirked at the stupid blonde's face, but his smirk dropped when he saw the blonde pull out a familiar white substance.

"I don't have enough to take out a pillar, but it's still enough to turn you into my art, un!"

The boy finished messing with his clay and opened his fist, revealing a four-winged bird. He flung it up into the air and it grew larger as its wings started flapping, sending it straight towards Sasori. Without even flinching he pulled out his katana and sliced the bird in half, listening for the sound of the separate pieces exploding behind him. Surprised, he turned around, only to see the two halves meld together mid-flight and turn around to come back at him.

"You can't escape true art, un!"

He growled under his breath, mumbling something about stupid blonde brats, before jumping to the left, dodging the bird yet again.

"Will you stop moving un!"

"No."

"Aargh! Katsu, un!"

Unfortunately for Deidara, Sasori managed to evade the explosion.

"Is that the best you've got?"

"Deidara!"

"Naruto un!"

He spun around just in time to see Naruto collapse at the black-haired boy's feet. He growled, feeling the rage build within him.

"I'm going to kill you!"

He lunged forwards, ready to punch Naruto's assailant, but was stopped by someone grabbing his arm.

"Ah ah ah, brat. You're not going anywhere."

A hypodermic needle was rammed into his delicate wrist, and he yelped in pain. Sasori grinned in triumph.

"Art is eternal."

"I told you I wouldn't take no for an answer."

"Whatever, un."

Deidara glared at the floor, angry that he hadn't predicted this would happen.

"So have you changed your minds about our proposition?"

"Your propo-what?"

"Proposition."

"What does that mean?"

"Our offer."

"Oh! Wait, what offer?"

Deidara would've face palmed if his arms weren't tied behind his back.

"They want us to join the Akatsuki, un."

"Oh yeah, now I remember!"

"So will you join us?"

"That depends. Do you have ramen?"

"Ramen? Yes…"

""Fuck yeah I'm joining!"

"Naruto, you just asked them to bribe you."

"But Dei! It's ramen! The holy food! The food of Gods! The-"

"Okay, I get it un!"

"Please Dei-Dei?"

He pouted and stared at the other from under his lashes.

"Don't you dare do those puppy dog eyes!"

Blink, blink.

"Naruto, un."

Blink blink blink.

"Stop it!"

Blinkety blink blink blink.

Sighing, Deidara caved.

"Fine."

"YAY! Thank you thank you thank you!"

"Wait, are you joining or not?"

"Sadly, yes. We are joining, un."

Ignoring the obvious reluctance of the blonde, Pein motioned for Kisame to free the two. Naruto immediately bounced up, dancing around and screaming: "RAMEN!" whilst Deidara sank even lower into his chair, sullenly glaring at his feet. Pein cleared his throat and the room(well, Naruto) fell silent.

"Sasori, Sasuke, I'm splitting you two up. Sasuke, you will be partnered with Naruto, and Sasori will work with Deidara."

"WHAT!"

"Why can't they just work together, they're obviously used to it!"

"Yeah, un!"

"They can't work together because I get the feeling they'll try to run away if left alone together. Besides, your suffering amuses me. Now scram."

He turned away, listening cough eavesdropping cough as everyone other than the blondes and their partners left.

"Sasuke! Can you show me where the ramen is? Please Sasuke please!"

"Urgh…Fine! Just be quiet already, you're giving me a headache!"

"OKAY!"

Sasuke groaned as he led the hyperactive blonde away, muttering something about "Gonna kill the stupid leader, teaming me up with some wannabe Tobi." Sasori turned to Deidara, who was still sulking.

"Hn. Come on brat, we're leaving."

"I'm not a brat, un."

"Yes you are and will you quit it with the uns?"

"No I'm not and why should I, un?"

"Yes you are and because it's annoying."

"No I'm not and I can't stop it, it's a speech impediment, un."

"Then shut up!"

"Never, un!"

"Do you want me to turn you into a puppet?"

"Puppet? Tch, as if. I'd blow you up way before that, un."

"Need I remind you that I was the one that brought you here, unconscious? I could easily knock you out again, this time permanently."

"Well need I remind you that I had no clay at that point, so it doesn't count, un."

"Actually, it does."

"Whatever, weirdo."

"You just didn't say un!"

"So? I don't say it every single sentence, it's a speech impediment not a habit."

"You're an idiot."

"Well you're an asshole, un."

Sasori scoffed and rolled his eyes before grabbing the blonde and dragging him out of the office. Shortly thereafter, Konan came back in.

"Are you sure it was a good idea to partner them with Sasuke and Sasori?"

"Eh, they'll survive."

"I'm not too sure about that…"

"Sasori and Sasuke are two of our strongest members. I do not doubt their abilities."

"I was talking about Deidara and Naruto."

"Oh. Um, I'm not too sure about them. I'm hoping they survive, but since I have no clear idea of their skills…"

"So basically they're screwed."

"If you want to put it that way, then yes. Yes, they are."


	4. Pervy Minds

**Note: I do not own any of the characters used in this story, and receive no monetary benefit from writing/posting this. **

"Sasuke!"

"What now?"

"Can I go see Deidara?"

"Go ahead, I'm not stopping you."

"…I'm allowed to wander about by myself?"

"Do I look like a babysitter to you?"

"Yes."

"Just…Get the hell out of my sight."

"OKAY! See ya later!"

Naruto waved at the frustrated boy before running out into the hallway.

"Which way, left or right?"

"That depends on where you're going."

"Holy Shit! It's Sasuke from the future!"

"I'm not Sasuke."

"Are you a Sasuke wannabe?"

"No."

"But you look like an older version of Sasuke."

"That's because I'm his older brother."

"Oh! Well, sorry for mistaking you for Sasuke. I'm Naruto."

He stuck out his hand and the other shook it, looking amused beyond belief.

"I'm Itachi. Now, you were going somewhere?"

"Yeah, I'm gonna go find my brother, Deidara! Do you know where he is? He's the girly-looking guy, blonde hair, blue eyes, about this tall…"

"I know who he is. Most likely he's with Sasori."

"Sasori?"

"The red head. His workshop is that way."

"Okay, thanks Itachi!"

Naruto took off running once more. Eventually, after bumping into nearly everyone in the base, he came to a door that said: Sasori's Workshop, Do Not Enter.

"This must be it!"

Grinning, he knocked on the door.

"Who is it?"

"Naruto!"

He heard footsteps, then the door swung open, revealing a grouchy looking red haired man.

"What do you want?"

"I came to see Dei Dei!"

"…Who?"

"Deidara, my brother. Can I see him?"

"No."

He slammed the door shut in Naruto's face.

"What the hell is your problem? Let me see my brother, damnit!"

"Go away."

"Bastard!"

Spitting out some more curse words at the door, he kicked it once before skulking off.

Sasori twitched. They'd been in his workshop for more than an hour now, and the brat was still glaring at him. He turned to his puppet, determined to ignore him. Two minutes later, he snapped.

"Stop staring at me!"

The brat just glared harder, if that was even possible. He groaned to himself. What had he done to deserve this? Okay, he'd tied up the boy and tossed him in a corner and rendered him immobile and didn't let him see his brother and he'd killed thousands of people, but that wasn't enough to warrant this torture!

"Brat, if you don't stop staring I'm going to cut your eyes out for my puppets."

The threat appeared to work as the blonde looked away, and he turned back to his work, not noticing the loose ropes around the boy's feet. A few minutes later he thought he heard the door open and close, but shrugged it off as his imagination.

"Deidara! You escaped!"

Deidara giggled as Naruto jumped on him, almost sending them both crashing to the floor.

"Yep, un! Took forever though. That guy's a total creep!"

"Yeah, I thought he had you chained to a wall or something."

Deidara didn't say anything, and Naruto looked at him suspiciously.

"Please don't tell me he actually did chain you to a wall."

"Okay, I won't, un. But at least I got out of there alive!"

"You do know we have to share rooms with our partners, right?"

"Seriously? Oh shit, I'm screwed, un! Wait a second, how do you know?"

"Itachi told me!"

"Who's Itachi, un?"

"Sasuke's older brother."

"Speaking of Sasuke, what's he like?"

"Urgh, he's a complete bastard!"

"I knew we shouldn't have joined, un!"

"But evil-bitchy-ass partners aside, this place is awesome! There's ramen, everyone else is real nice, and you've got to see the living room! Come on!"

He dragged the older boy along behind them. Lots of running and Deidara smacking into walls-which was entirely Naruto's fault because he so wasn't a klutz- later, they finally made it to the living room.

"See? They have a TV, and a DVD player, and a stereo, and just about every game system you could think of, and an epic orange couch! It's awesome!"

"Whatever you say, un."

Deidara sat down on the carpet, resting his back against the wall and crossing his legs. He watched Naruto bound around the room, happily playing with a black-haired guy wearing an orange eyepatch. He vaguely noticed a flash of red by the door, but easily dismissed it as his imagination. Just then Naruto and his friend came to a stop in front of him.

"Dei Dei! This is my new friend Tobi! His favourite colour is orange, like me!"

"Hi Tobi, un. I'm Deidara. It's nice to meet you."

"YAY! Tobi has a new friend!"

Tobi leapt into Deidara's lap, sending the blonde's head flying backwards into the wall.

"Fuck!"

"Oh no! Deidara-Senpai got hurt because of Tobi! Tobi is sorry, he didn't mean to! Tobi's a good boy!"

"Yeah yeah, Tobi's a gaood boy, but could he please quiet down a bit? My head hurts, un."

"Of course! Tobi's sorry, Tobi will leave now!"

He ran off, and after double-checking that Deidara was all right, Naruto chased after him. A silver-haired man came over.

"Dude, you got owned by fucking Tobi!"

Deidara glared at him as he sat down next to the blonde.

"Shut up, he didn't mean to!"

"Yeah, whatever you say bitch. I'm Hidan."

"Deidara, un."

"Fucking awesome to meet you."

"Likewise, un."

"Why do you say un whenever you fucking talk?"

"Why do you swear whenever you talk, un?"

"Habit."

"Speech impediment."

They grinned at each other.

"So you're stuck with puppet-fucker, huh?"

"Excuse me, un?"

"Puppet-fucker, you know, Sasori. He's obsessed with puppets, so he's got to be fucking them!"

"Ew… the mental images! They burn!"

"What mental images?"

"I've seen some of his puppets, and the idea of him having sex with them…"

He shuddered and made a low noise of disgust.

"They're that fucking ugly?"

"Even uglier than that, un. Bleurgh."

"What's 'even uglier than that'?"

Both of them snapped their heads up.

"'Kuzu!"

Hidan jumped up on the tan man with bright green eyes.

"Off me Hidan."

"Aw, you're no fucking fun!"

He let himself fall back to the floor, pouting.

"Deidara, this is my heathen bastard of a partner, Kakuzu. 'Kuzu, this is Deidara."

"Nice to meet you, un!"

"Likewise. So what were you talking about?"

"Puppet-fucker's puppets! And how I've scarred Deidara for the rest of his fucking life!"

"Do I want to know?"

"Unless you enjoy absolutely horrifying mental images, you don't, un."

"Just keep it down, I'm trying to work."

He left the room, presumably to go finish whatever it was that he was doing before.

"Anyway. Wanna go hang with Kisame"

"Who, un?"

"Kisame. Haven't you met the fucker yet?"

"No, Sasori tied me up and chained me to the wall before I could get to meet anyone. I only got free a few minutes ago, un."

"H-He chained you to the wall?"

Deidara flushed red as he realized what Hidan was thinking.

"Not like that!"

"T-The way you said it!"

Annoyed, Deidara lightly shoved his new friend, who fell over. Eventually he calmed down enough to sit back up.

"That's fucking hilarious!"

"For you, un!"

"Fuck yeah! Now come on, Imma introduce you to everyone!"

"Oi! Fish-Face!"

Kisame paused and turned to look at Hidan.

"Don't call me that."

"Whatever. You met the newbie yet?"

"Naruto? Yeah."

"No, I mean the one that looks like a bitch."

"No, not really. Why?"

"Imma introduce you to the bastard! Well, as soon as he gets here."

Just then the blonde appeared around the corner, bent over panting for air. Once he got his breath back, he straightened up.

"Do you have to go so fast, un?"

"Fuck yeah! Anyhow, Kisame, this is Deidara, Deidara this is Kisame."

"Nice to meet you, un."

"Likewise."

"Dude, you'll never guess what puppet fucker did to him!"

"Oh dear God, not this again! You've told everyone we met, un!"

"That's 'cos it's fucking funny! Zetsu and Itachi thought so, Leader would if he weren't Leader, Sasuke's an emotionless bastard that doesn't count, and Konan's gonna fucking love it!"

Deidara groaned in annoyance, and Hidan turned back to the now thoroughly confused Kisame.

"Anyway, Fish Face! Puppet Fucker tied him up and chained him to the wall in his workshop, and wouldn't let him leave!"

Kisame's eyes bulged and he turned an interesting shade of purple before bursting into laughter. Hidan smirked, and Deidara covered his face with his hands, blushing fire red with embarrassment.

"Are you serious?"

"As fucking ever!"

"It's not funny, un!"

"But it is!"

"What's going on here?"

Kisame and Hidan straightened up as they turned to face Konan, and Deidara tentatively removed his hands from his face.

"Hello, you're one of the new boys, aren't you? I'm Konan."

"I'm Deidara, un."

"Can I just say, you're the most adorable boy I have ever met."

He blushed and looked away, mumbling something like: "I'm not 'adorable' un."

"What? You are the prettiest, cutest guy ever! I mean, you're only like, what, twenty or so?"

"Fifteen un."

"Sorry?"

"I'm fifteen, un."

There was an awkward silence which was rudely interrupted by Hidan.

"Holy Shit! Puppet Fucker's a paedophile!"

"What do you mean, Sasori's a paedophile?"

"He has a thing for Deidara."

Kisame snickered, and Deidara groaned in frustration.

"No, he doesn't! I don't know where you got the idea, I've already told you, nothing happened! Nothing, un!"

"What are you talking about"

Kisame and Hidan were laughing too hard to talk, so gritting his teeth, Deidara answered her.

"Sasori tied me up and chained me to the wall in his workshop. But, that was it, un! Nothing else happened!"

Too late. She blinked, once, twice, then burst into laughter, collapsing on top of Deidara. Sighing, he resigned himself to being used as a support whilst he silently waited for them to stop, which they eventually did a loooooong time later.

"You lot done yet?"

"Yeah."

"Finally, un."

"You have to admit it's funny though."

"I don't see how being treated like a dog is 'funny', un."

"Because it's Sasori."

Deidara was about to reply when he was cut off by his stomach growling really loud. He flushed bright red, and Konan chuckled.

"I guess Sasori didn't feed you, huh? Come on, let's go get you something to eat. See you two later!"

She waved at Kisame and Hidan before grabbing Deidara and pulling him off.

"So...What the fuck do we do now?"

"Wanna go tell Tobi and Naruto?"

"Fuck yeah! Let's go!"

"So how are you and Naruto related?"

"He's my half-brother, older by two years."

"That would make him...Seventeen, right? Huh, same age as Sasuke. What about your parents?"

Deidara's eyes widened and he began choking on the sandwich he'd just swallowed.

"Shit!"

Konan ran around the table and slammed him on the back, forcing him to cough it back up onto his plate.

"Thanks un."

"Eh, don't worry about it. Just make sure it doesn't happen again, 'kay?"

"Yep, un!"

She took his plate and dumped the leftovers in the trash.

"So where are your-"

"Brat."

Deidara froze, and Konan glared at the newcomer.

"We were kind of in the middle of a conversation, you know?"

"Whatever. Come on brat, we're leaving."

Unable to contain herself, Konan succumbed to a fit of giggles. Sasori frowned at her.

"What's so funny"

"Yeah, what's the fucking joke? Me and Fish Face want in!"

"It's Fish Face and I, and his name's Kisame."

"Thank you Itachi."

"Hn."

"S-Sasori's trying to steal Dei Dei!"

All three newcomers looked to Sasori then burst into laughter. Confused, Sasori looked to Deidara, who had gone bright red.

"Shut up, un!"

He elbowed the nearest person to him (Hidan) in the ribs, trying unsuccessfully to get him to stop laughing.

"B-But it's so fucking-"

Unable to finish his sentence, Hidan broke off, tears of laughter streaming down his face. Groaning, Deidara began to repeatedly slam his head into the table.

"Someone kill me now, un!"

"Deidara-Senpai! Tobi heard about what happened, and Tobi has come to save his Senpai!"

"Dei Dei! Hidan told me what happened, are you okay?"

"Naruto, Hidan was lying! Nothing happened, un!"

Suddenly Sasori slammed his hands down on the table, causing everyone to shut up and look at him, and boy did he look pissed.

"What the hell are you lot on about"

There was an awkward silence, then Tobi spoke up.

"Hidan told Tobi that Sasori raped Deidara-Senpai, so Tobi came to save his Senpai!"

Deidara's face reconnected with the table, and Sasori twitched.

"Brat, why the fuck did you tell Hidan that?"

"I didn't, un! I just told him that you tied me up and chained me to the wall, and he started assuming shit and told the entire fucking base even though I told him that first of all, nothing happened, and secondly, that if anything had happened I would have blown this shitty warehouse into the fucking stratosphere! UN!"

Everyone stood/sat frozen at the blonde's sudden outburst, while he panted heavily and glared around the room. Eventually Hidan spoke up.

"Calm down blondie, it was just a joke."

He continued glaring for a while before sullenly sitting down.

"If anyone ever says anything about this ever again, I'll blow them the fuck up, un."

...

"So...Anyone want ramen"

**Clarification note: The whole thing they're going on about, Sasori tied Deidara up and chained him to a wall to stop him from running away. Deidara told Hidan, who assumed he meant bondage as in sexual activities and took that to mean Sasori raped Deidara, and then he refused to believe when Deidara told him otherwise. And yes, I know that technically Deidara is older than Sasuke and Naruto, but for this story it just fits better to have him be younger, so hah. So that makes Deidara the youngest in the organization, Sasuke and Naruto being second youngest. And no I didn't make a mistake with the ages. Deidara has been blowing up factories for fourteen years, and yes he started when he was young. He was a very smart baby. Plus who would ever suspect a baby of causing massive explosions? **


	5. Have to work on my tan, un!

**Note: I do not own any of the characters used in this story, and receive no monetary benefit from writing/posting this. **

"Where do you think you're going?"

Deidara flinched, cursing his bad luck as he turned around to grin at Sasori.

"Outside, un."

"Why?"

No way in hell was he telling him the real reason. Good thing he was an amazing liar.

"To sun bathe, un. This tan doesn't come from sitting around inside all day, you know."

Sasori was still staring at him suspiciously but he shrugged it off and quickly left the room, glad to have escaped his clutches…For now. It annoyed him that even after a week the red head didn't trust him to not escape. He was barely allowed to do anything, which sucked big time. He was an artist, damnit, he needed freedom!

"Oi bitch! Wait up!"

"I told you not to call me that, un."

"Well you look like a bitch. You going on another fucking escapade?"

"Yeah, because I would totally leave behind my brother and friends for no reason. Honestly, Sasori-Danna's such an asshole sometimes, un."

"The fucking worst. So where are you going?"

"Do you want the lie or the truth?"

"Both."

"I'm going to find a river so I can gather more clay, but if you ask Danna, I've gone to sun bathe. Gotta work on my tan, un."

"Sun bathe? Dude, that's fucking girly!"

"It's an excuse I came up with to get Danna off my back and it worked, un, which is all I care about. Anyways, I'll see you later!"

"Yeah, see ya."

Deidara left Hidan behind and stepped out of the compound, gratefully breathing in the fresh air.

"Now, time to find a river, un…"

Deidara stared in shock. The river was amazing! It was a huge, crystal-clear monster, rushing along. He could see the clay of the river bed clearly, and with a sigh realised that he'd have to dive for it.

"Oh well, at least it's a nice day, un…"

He stripped down to his boxers, hung his clothes over a nearby tree branch and dived in.

Sasori smiled as he examined the trees. It wasn't often that he came out just for the sake of being outside, but after the brat had left he couldn't concentrate on his work and decided some fresh air would help. Speaking of the brat, weren't those his clothes hanging over that branch? He meandered closer, and heard splashing from the river.

"Hey, you finally came out of your room, un!"

Looking over, he saw the brat treading water whilst grinning at him, an almost full bag in his left hand.

"What's that?"

Deidara opened up the bag, revealing a white ish substance.

"It's clay, un. You've caught me in the middle of gathering it."

"I thought you said you were coming out here to tan."

"I lied, un."

Sasori's eye twitched in anger.

"Heh, you seem pissed. As much as I'd love to get yelled at, I still have clay to collect, un."

He took a huge gulp of air then dived back under, kicking his way to the bottom. Sasori watched through the shimmering clearness of the water as he scrabbled around a bit, occasionally shoving stuff into his bag, before surfacing. He examined the contents of his bag.

"Eh, it'll do for now, un."

Swimming over to where Sasori was sitting-wait, when had he sat down He couldn't remember doing that- Deidara pulled himself out of the water, shivering slightly as the warm air met his skin. He tied his bag onto the same branch his clothes were hanging from before jumping back in the river.

"Brat, what the hell are you doing?"

"I'm swimming, un. You should come in too!"

"No."

"Come on, the water's real nice!"

"I don't swim."

"You can't swim, un?"

"No, I can swim, I just choose not to."

"Why?"

Sasori paused. There really was no reason for him not to swim, he just never did it.

"Fine."

"Yes, un!"

He rolled his eyes at the brat as he stripped down, hanging his clothes over a different branch before sliding into the water. Sighing, he happily closed his eyes. The water was really nice.

"Told you it was nice, un."

"Tch. Whatever."

Ignoring the brat, he dived down, taking in every detail of the beauty under the surface. Out of the corner of his eye he saw the brat heading towards the river bed, but he ignored him in favour of examining an interesting school of fish. All too soon, the burning in his lungs let him know of his need for air, and he kicked back up to the surface.

"Enjoy yourself, un?"

He glared at the blonde who was happily seated on the grass, his legs dangling in the water.

"Shut up, brat."

The boy just laughed before looking back down at whatever it was he was doing with his hands. Now, unknown to most was the fact that Sasori was actually a very curious person. He enjoyed having full knowledge of everything that was going on around him, so not knowing what the brat was doing was really bugging him. Of course he could just ask, but he had a reputation of apathy to keep up, one that he'd already threatened by actually agreeing to swim with the brat.

"Hey Sasori-Danna, look!"

Pushing his thoughts aside, he looked over at the teenager. Deidara was holding up a clay sculpture of an eagle, its wings spread wide and its talons poised as if it had just pounced. Sasori had to admit it was quite good, not that he'd ever let the blonde know that.

"Hm."

He looked away, pretending to be uninterested and thus not seeing the boys face fall with disappointment.

"Well I've got my clay, I need to start kneading it now. See you later, un!"

Sasori ignored the blonde as he pulled on his clothes, grabbed his bag of clay and left. Alone once again, he lay down on the grass, feeling the sun on his skin. For some obscure reason though, he felt cold on the inside.

"So how does this work?"

"Un, I mix the clay with my chakra 'cause my chakra is explosive so I can detonate it at any time I want."

Deidara wiggled his glowing fingertips at Itachi, grinning wide, and the black haired man almost recoiled from him, worried that his chakra would explode.

"Ah."

They fell back into a comfortable silence, Deidara kneading his clay while Itachi contemplated the blonde in front of him. He was grateful for this opportunity to see the blonde work, one of the few times when the blonde seemed to be at peace. Most of the time he was excited, or agitated, or fighting with Sasori. It was a shame, really. Sasuke and Naruto got along fine, even if it didn't seem like it, and had quickly become the best of friends, although Sasuke would vehemently deny this. However, Sasori and Deidara was a completely different story. Sasori treated the blonde like a dog, and took every chance he could to insult him or his art. What made it even sadder was that the Deidara had grown to respect the red head and his art, and had even taken to calling him Danna as a form of respect. Hidan had said that Sasori and Deidara were kind of like Itachi and Kisame in that there was one partner who was the boss, and another partner who acted like a dog. Itachi mentally shook his head. Kisame and himself had a unique partnership based on mutual respect. It only appeared to be dominating because he tended to voice his opinion first, and Kisame usually agreed with him. On the rare occasions that the blue man disagreed, he waited until they were alone to bring it up. Itachi accepted that Kisame was the stronger of the two, and Kisame accepted that Itachi was smarted. It was this acceptance that drew Itachi to Deidara; after all, the blonde had shared that kind of relationship with his brother before joining Akatsuki. In a way, joining the Akatsuki had made things worse for Deidara but better for Naruto. Naruto worked better with Sasuke than he had with Deidara (well, at least that's what Deidara said), whereas Sasori and Deidara…Well, suffice to say that Deidara hadn't come back unharmed from their last mission. Sasori just seemed to refuse to accept the fact that Deidara was not a physically strong person and insisted that they take out all the guards before planting the explosives. Luckily the blonde hadn't come back with any really serious injuries yet, but Itachi could sense that it was only a matter of time. He briefly contemplated broaching the subject, but decided against it. Deidara would just laugh and exclaim : "I can take care of myself, un!"

"Hey Itachi, you okay, un?"

Itachi blinked and re-focused on the blonde, who was staring at him with a worried expression on his face.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I just spaced for a moment."

"The great Itachi Uchiha spaced out? In my unworthy presence, un? My, how honoured I feel!"

Itachi laughed at the blonde, who grinned at the reaction he had earned.

"So what were you thinking about, un?"

"Huh?"

"You spaced out, you must have been thinking about something."

"Oh, just thinking about my last mission."

"You know it isn't good to dwell on that kind of stuff, un."

"No, I was just thinking about some chick that started hitting on me. She seemed kind of familiar, I was wondering where I'd seen her before, that's all."

"Well, if you say so…"

"Oi, blonde bitch and black bitch! Get your asses to the kitchen, the fucking food's ready!"

"Hidan, un."

Deidara clacked his tongue in amusement/annoyance as he stowed away the last of his clay. Itachi stood up.

"We'd better go before he decides to come get us himself."

"Yeah. And, thanks for keeping me company, un. I really appreciate it."

Itachi smiled to himself as he followed the blonde into the kitchen.


	6. Nuclear Meltdowns and Leather Skirts

**Note: I do not own any of the characters used in this story, and receive no monetary benefit from writing/posting this. **

"So what's our mission, un?"

Sasori growled at the blonde brat.

"Destroy a factory, now shut up."

"What factory, un"

He briefly contemplated stabbing the other through the stomach, but grudgingly realized he'd probably be tortured, killed, and castrated by mostly all the Akatsuki, not necessarily in that order. Damn.

"Konohagakure Nuclear Weapons."

"Ooh, nuclear power plant! Can I blow it up, un? Please?"

"Do you want to cause a nuclear explosion?"

"Yes."

"You're an idiot."

"I was kidding, un! Nuclear disaster would kill all the birds, un. No, if I were to explode the plant I would bring it down on top of the nukes, burying them. But I'd still blow some of it up, un. Otherwise it wouldn't be art!"

"One. Explosions are not art. Two. How the hell do you bring down a nuclear power plant without hitting the nukes?"

"Easy! Set the charges low on the outside, high on the inside, then switch it the further out from the nukes you get, then switch back to low outside high inside on the very outer walls of the plant. Of course, that's just a rough module to follow sine the actual set up differs depending on the building lay out, but nothing major unless it's a very oddly shaped building, in which case I ought to be able to figure out the charge placement by sight alone, plus I'm assuming you have the blueprints."

"Why does it sound like you've done this before?"

"Because I have, un. I've demmed, um, fifteen or so? Nuclear plants, and didn't blow up any of the nukes, well, apart from that place in Kirigakure, but that doesn't count, un."

"Are you telling me that you caused the nuclear meltdown in Kirigakure?"

"Not me directly! It was that one guards fault, moving my art before I detonated it. How was I to know they were bringing it to the main office right when I detonated it? Besides, only idiots take a short cut through the primary reactor storage room, un."

"No explosions."

"But Danna!"

"No. First of all, they aren't accurate enough, and I refuse to allow you to botch up our mission. Second of all, I am not going to be held responsible for a nuclear meltdown. Thirdly, they're not true art. And lastly, they suck. We're doing this my way, understood?"

Deidara sighed, and for a brief second Sasori felt guilty, but then Deidara looked back up and smiled again, and he brushed off his previous emotions.

"Yes Sasori Danna."

"Where the hell are they? They should be fucking back by now."

"Hn."

"Aw, quit that 'hn' shit, Itachi! I know you're just as worried about the blonde bitch as I am!"

"I'm sure they're fine."

Konan smiled at them both in reassurance.

"After all, this is Deidara and Sasori. Sasori is strong enough to take care of himself, and Deidara is smart enough to stay out of trouble."

Inwardly, though, she wasn't so sure. Deidara had this habit of avoiding conflict that although good for in battle, also worked when he didn't need it, such as when a normal person would be yelling at Sasori for ordering them around. Sasori was used to being yelled at by Sasuke, but Deidara would not yell at the red head, keen to avoid conflict of any form. In fact, the only time she'd ever seen him disagree with his Danna was when they argued about art, and even then Deidara eventually gave in and walked away. Sometimes she wondered why he seemed to avoid arguments, since it just didn't seem natural for Deidara to give up without a fight, even though she'd barely known him a month or so, but when she'd questioned Naruto about it, he'd gotten all silent and just left without a word, and she completely dropped the subject.

"Yeah yeah, but that doesn't mean the bitch will actually stay out of trou-"

Hidan was cut off by the door slamming open.

"Finally, you bitches are la-Holy motherfucking shit!"

Sasori growled at Hidan as he stalked past the zealot, turning slightly as he went through the door to accommodate Deidara.

"W-Was that Dei Dei he was carrying?"

"I think so."

"But there was so much blood!"

Sasori came back in, evidently having left the blonde with Kakuzu.

"What the fuck happened!"

"Some guards caught us, the brat wasn't paying attention and they sneaked up behind him and got him."

"And you let them?"

"I'm not his baby sitter, he ought to be able to take care of himself. Besides, I was busy fighting them off."

"Is he going to be okay?"

"How the hell should I know? Ask Kakuzu if you want to know."

"Don't you fucking give a shit about him? The bitch is your partner, for Jashin's sake!"

"So?"

"He could die!"

"Eh, maybe then I'll actually get a partner that can do something."

Hidan Itachi and Konan just stared at the red head as he sat down on the couch and turned on the TV, flipping onto the Discovery Channel.

"It's official. Sasori has no heart."

Sasori glared at the wall, the puppet on his work table forgotten. They'd almost failed the last mission, and that was completely unacceptable. He wished he could just blame it on the brat and be over with it, but he knew it was his fault. The blonde had warned him that there were likely to be guards along that corridor, but he'd still insisted they go along that way instead of taking an alternate route. And now, the blonde had paid the price for his stupidity and was hurt. It wasn't anything major, he knew that from his limited medical knowledge, but he'd lost enough blood to make him pass out, and if he hadn't stepped in, the guards would most likely have killed the brat. Even though he'd never admit it to anyone, the blonde had begun to grow on Sasori. It was nice to have someone other than his puppets around, and he enjoyed listening to the blonde rant about random stuff while he worked. Just a few days ago, he'd spent an hour and a half arguing 'the art of waffle creation', his words, not Sasori's. Sighing, he stood up to go report to Leader, then perhaps he'd go looking for his annoyingly endearing partner.

"All done."

"Thanks Kakuzu, un!"

"No need to thank me. Just make sure you don't get this badly hurt again, okay?"

"Yep!"

"Well, then you're free to go."

"Okay, thanks again, un!"

The blonde cheerfully slid off the table and pranced out the room. He was immediately tackled to the floor by two orange blurs.

"Deidara! Are you all right?"

"I'm fine, un."

"That's good! Tobi and Naruto were worried about Deidara Senpai, because we heard he got hurt!"

"I did, but Kakuzu fixed me up, and now I'm all better! So if you don't mid, could you please get off me, un?"

They quickly jumped off, literally bouncing up and down on the spot as Deidara pushed himself up. He warily eyed the two older boys that acted a lot younger than him.

"Are you two on sugar or something, un?"

"As a matter of fact they are. Stole all Itachi's candy."

"Oh, hi Sasuke!"

"Hn."

"They took…Itachi's candy, un? Damn, they're screwed."

"Ah! Dei Dei, run away! Pinocchio is coming!"

Deidara looked over to his left, and just as Naruto had said, Sasori was coming their way. Suddenly he yelped as he was swept into someone's arms bridal style.

"Tobi will save Deidara Senpai, because Tobi is a good boy!"

Tobi ran off in the opposite direction of Sasori with Naruto right behind him, both ignoring Deidara's struggling.

"PUT ME DOWN UN!"

Sasori blinked at the scene he'd just seen: Tobi and Naruto carrying Deidara away in what looked like a kidnapping while Sasuke stood there laughing his ass off.

"What the hell just happened?"

"Hidan told those two that you'd hurt Deidara, so they're saving him from your 'evil clutches of doom and evilness and candy stealing'."

"What?"

"They're sugar high, they'll believe anything."

"So they think I did that to the brat?"

"Yeah, Kisame, Itachi, Konan, and Hidan think so too. You should've seen them when Deidara first woke up, going on about how they knew what had happened, and Deidara trying to convince them otherwise. Heh, it was kinda funny to watch, he got so frustrated."

Sasuke chuckled at the memory before stretching his arms out in front of him.

"Anyhow, I doubt you'll be able to go near him for a few days or so."

"Tch. Why would I want to go near that brat?"

"To talk to him, to see if he's okay."

"Talk to him? See if he's okay? Yeah right. I can't stand the kid. They're doing me a favour, keeping him out of my way."

Sasuke shot him a look that screamed disbelief before storming off, muttering something that sounded a lot like Denial. Sasori ignored it, choosing instead to go back to his room, conveniently forgetting the reason he left in the first place.

"I'm not going to wear it, un."

"Come on Dei, you're the only one that can pull this off! We need that guy dead!"

"Why can't Konan do it, un?"

"She's sick. Plus, blue hair is really noticeable, and she took this mission once already."

"Then why do I have to do it?"

"She failed, the guy raped her."

"What, un!"

"We wouldn't ask you to do this if it wasn't absolutely necessary, please Deidara! Nothing will happen to you, Sasori will be watching the entire time, nothing will happen!"

"Fine, I'll do it. But you better not take any pictures, un!"

"No promises. Come on, Itachi has all the stuff you need!"

"Come on already!"

"No, un!"

"We have a mission, hiding in the bathroom is not an option."

"I don't care, un."

"Brat, do not make me wait."

"I look like a slut, un!"

Sasori sighed, impatiently glancing at the clock on the wall.

"I'm sure it's not that bad."

"O-Okay, un."

The brat slipped out of the room, and Sasori's eyes nearly bugged out of his head. The blonde was wearing a strapless leather shirt that ended just above his navel, a leather mini skirt, fishnet tights, and really high high heeled boots that reached his knees. Somehow Itachi had gotten him into some red lipstick, blush, dark eyeshadow, and extreme amounts of eye liner.

"I take that back: It is that bad. You look like a prostitute."

"HEY!"

"Calm down, you're supposed to look like one. Tch, so overexcitable. Just like a real woman. You sure you're not female?"

"In case you hadn't noticed, I don't have boobs, un!"

"Then what do you call these?"

Sasori poked one of the mounds on the blondes chest, and growling, the brat batted the elders hand away. He gestured to the lumps.

"These, are completely fake. Made of silicone, sewn into one of Konan's bra, so that I'd make a more realistic girl, un. It was Hidan's idea."

Sasori couldn't help it, he burst out laughing.

"Hey, don't laugh at me, un!"

He just laughed even harder, and pouting, the blonde folded his arms across his chest and looked away, not realizing how much it made him look like a sulky teenage girl.

"Are you done yet, un?"

"Yeah, let's go."

He straightened up and strode off, and Deidara had to run to catch up to him. Once at his side, the blonde fell into pace, albeit wobbling on the heels every now and then.

"So what does this guy look like, un?"

"White hair, red lines under his eyes, extremely loud and perverted. You'll know him when you see him."

"And all I have to do is get him into the back alley, right?"

"Correct. I'll take things over from there. Think you can handle it?"

Deidara snorted as he grabbed Sasori's arm for support while crossing the loose plank bridge.

"Course I can, un. Not like it'll be the first time I've had to seduce some old fucker."

"What did you just say?"

"Nothing, un! Just, thinking to myself."

He grinned up at Sasori, who decided to let the matter drop for now. He'd find out eventually.

"So, do you come here often?"

"No, this is my first time here."

Deidara grinned seductively up at the man as he focused really hard on not saying un.

"Well, maybe I could…Show you around."

The man wriggled his eyebrows suggestively, and Deidara bit back a victorious smirk. This was far too easy.

"Of course, but, could we go out the back? It's so crowded at the front."

He trailed his fingers up the mans chest, making his voice as seductive and alluring as he could.

"Your wish is my command."

The perverted man grabbed his waist and practically dragged him out of the back door, where he pinned him to the alley wall, hands reaching downwards while his lips moved closer to his. Panicking, Deidara grabbed the man's hand before it reached his crotch.

"Please don't."

The man's eyes narrowed in suspicion. Shit.

"Why not?"

"I-"

He lowered his head, desperately racking his brain for some excuse. He met the man's eyes again, and whimpered the first thing that came to mind.

"I'm on my period."

"Oh! Um, sorry, I didn't know, um, perhaps we should-"

He was cut off by his babbling by a hypodermic needle being shoved into his neck. His eyes widened and some drool dripped out his mouth before he slumped forwards onto Deidara, who pushed him off in disgust.

"I'm on my period? Seriously?"

Deidara scowled up at his Danna as he attempted to readjust his shirt, eventually just giving up and tearing the darn thing off, fake boobs bra and all.

"Yeah, well, I'd like to see you come up with something better, un."

"Whatever."

"Urgh, you're so annoying!"

"Why thank you."

Deidara rolled his eyes as he pulled off the boots, wrapping them up in his shirt.

"Let's just go, un, I'm cold."

He turned, and was about to leave when he was stopped by a hand on his head. He looked back over his shoulder at the red head.

"You did well, brat."

Realising that was extremely high praise on his Danna's behalf, he let a bright smile take over his features.

"Thanks Danna, un."

"Deidara! You're home!"

"Hey Naruto, un."

"What happened to your shirt?"

"Eh, didn't feel like putting it back on, un. Honestly, I have no idea how Konan manages to get these things on, it's horrible! And don't even get me started on how difficult it was to get on the skirt, urgh!"

Sasori elbowed Deidara in the ribs, stopping him from continuing his rant on the horrors of women's clothing.

"Danna? What is it?"

He pointed at Naruto, and Deidara looked over at his brother, who was wearing a shocked/horrified expression.

"Um, Naruto? Are you okay, un?"

Naruto shook his head, and took a deep breath. Then he let out a loud scream.

"MY BROTHER IS A PERVERT!"

**Don't worry Naruto, my bro's a perv too. He showed me porn videos. Ew. Anyways, I'm sorry for taking so long! But, my mum banned me from the computed for swearing, which sucks, and I can't get on at school, so I have to try and update while pretending to do my homework, which isn't working out that well. Which is why I'm up right now when everyone else is asleep so you lot can read this. But moving on. The white-haired guy Deidara ha to seduce into the alleyway is Jiraiya, so if you guessed that you get virtual apples, because apples are good for you! And if you didn't guess it, you get virtual bananas, because bananas are good for you! So, not a lot of action in this chapter, but I can promise you that the next chapter will be a lot longer and will contain alcohol, fights, and an idiotic leader. How do I know this you may ask? Well, I've already got the whole story written down! All I'm doing is typing it up and adding the authors notes, although I'm also editing it at the same time, since there isn't really that much action in the original. I kinda suck at describing fight scenes. But, I'm not exactly the fastest typer around, so it will take a while. So far though, the story's about a third of the way done. That's a guess by the way. Anyone else think Dei would look awesome in fishnet and leather? If I could draw that's definetley what I would draw him in…Whether it's womens clothes or not. Yeah, I get hyper at night so now I'm ranting which is bad. Because you don't like me ranting because you don't care what I say, you only care about the story, and the longer I rant the longer it takes me to update. So, I shall stop now. I hope you enjoyed this chapter!**


	7. Akatsuki Night Out

**Note: I do not own any of the characters used in this story, and receive no monetary benefit from writing/posting this. **

"Hey blondie, over here!"

Deidara grimaced at the nickname as he sauntered over to Hidan.

"Do you have to call me that, un?"

"Fuck yeah, it's your nickname! Anyway, where's Itachi and Kisame? The bitches should be here by now!"

"Hey, we're here! Sorry we're late."

"Hn."

"You should be fucking sorry, we've been waiting for hours!"

"It's not even been a minute yet, Hidan un."

"Felt a lot fucking younger."

"Anyhow, moving on. Am I ever going to find out why I was ordered to this shop under threat of torture and non-stop dumb blonde jokes if I refused, un?"

"Because you need some fucking fun! Now let's go!"

Hidan grabbed Deidara by his ponytailer and dragged him into the shop, ignoring the blondes whines of protest. Itachi and Kisame looked at each other, then shrugged and followed the whimpers to wherever it was that Hidan had run off to.

"I hate you, un."

"Aw, but you look fucking adorable!"

Deidara growled at Hidan.

"Seriously, calm the fuck down! It wasn't my idea, get mad at blue bitch's ass instead of mine!"

"I am mad at her, but I'm mad at you for being so enthusiastic, un!"

"Yeah, well, you're cute when you're angry."

"I will bite you, un."

"That's okay, I'm a masochist, I'll enjoy it."

Deidara scoffed and turned his head away from Hidan, who grinned in triumph.

"So where are we going, un?"

Kisame, who had been quietly conversing with Itachi a bit behind them, replied.

"We're going to the Kage Club for Akatsuki Night Out."

"What the hell is Akatsuki Night Out, un?"

"Basically once a month, to prevent cabin fever, we all get dragged out to this club and can't leave until 1 AM. It's supposed to be 'a great bonding experience' and a 'stress reliever', but what happens is that Hidan here gets drunk, some guys hit on Konan and get beaten up by Leader, Tobi is annoying, Zetsu's creepy, and Sasori always leaves an hour or so early. Plus last time we got kicked out when Sasuke tried buying alcohol."

"If it's that chaotic, why do you go, un?"

"Because it's fucking fun, that's why!"

"Fun? Seriously?"

"Hard to believe, but yes. Trust us, you do not want to miss out on this."

Deidara sighed, and picked at his skin-tight leather trousers.

"Okay, but do I have to wear this, un?"

"Yes. Yes, you do."

"Meanie, un."

"Ah, deal with it. It's too much fucking fun to torture you."

"I thought you said you were a masochist."

"I am. I'm the motherfucking king of S&M, bitches!"

There was an awkward silence, which was luckily broken by their arrival at the club.

"Un! It's so big!"

"That's what the bitch said."

Deidara swatted the back of Hidan's head.

"Perv, un. I was talking about the building."

"Yeah yeah, I get it. Let's just go already! You've gotta see the rest of this shitty place!"

"Wow, un!"

"Hi, welcome to Kage Club, to enter I'm going to need your ID and-not you lot again!"

The bouncer glared at Hidan and Kisame.

"Sup bitch."

"You're not allowed in here! If you don't leave right now, I'm going to call the police!

"But our friend is new around here, and we wanted to show him the coolest club around!"

She barely batted an eye, unfazed by the flattery.

"What 'friend'? I just see you three, and I've seen all of you plenty of times before."

"What? He's right –Shit! Where'd he go?"

Hidan turned and scanned the crowd.

"Where'd the fucker go?"

"There he is. Oi, Deidara!"

Kisame waved at the blonde, and he quickly trotted over.

"This place is amazing, un!"

"Um, Deidara, we have to leave."

The boy's face dropped from it's previous expression of gleaming excitement to one of sheer disappointment.

"Leave? B-But why, un?"

"We're not allowed in."

"But I want to see the rest of this place, un!"

"Sorry, kid. Maybe some other place will let us in."

"O-Okay, un."

They all turned away, and were just about to leave when they were stopped.

"Hey, you guys promise to be on your best behaviour?"

"Yeah, why?"

"I might be able to make an exception. But just this once!"

Squealing, Deidara practically jumped into the bouncers arms.

"Thank you thank you thank you!"

She blushed and scratched the back of her head.

"Yeah, whatever. Go have fun."

"I will, un! Thank you so much!"

He detached himself from the very flustered girl and pranced into the club, closely followed by his friends.

"Told you I could get us in, un."

"Dude, you have like, no dignity left. You just killed it all"

"I lost my dignity a long time ago, un."

"What was that?"

"Nothing! Where's the others, un?"

"Dancing in the rain."

"Bastard, un."

"Love you too, Dei Dei."

"Don't call me that!"

"Why the fuck not, Dei Dei?"

"I'll kill you if you do, un. I **hate** that nickname."

"You've just escalated from 'cute when angry' to motherfucking sexy beast when angry'."

Deidara blushed and growled at Hidan.

"I'm seriously going to strangle you one of these days."

"Yeah, yeah. You're still fucking adorable."

"I know, he's like a cute little puppy!"

Deidara felt arms wrap around him from behind, and he smiled.

"Hi Konan, un!"

"Hey Dei Dei."

His smile dropped all the way to the center of the earth."

"Don't call me that."

"Why not It's cute!"

"That's exactly why, un."

"Well, I like it, so there. You don't get a choice."

"Meanie, un."

"How kind of you to notice! Anyway, I say we drink!"

"Cheers to that!"

"Hidan, you're first for drinks."

"What the fuck? I always get all you cocksucking bitches fucking drinks!"

"Just go."

"Fuck it!"

Hidan galumphed off, and Deidara turned to Konan absent mindedly.

"He seems to be swearing a lot more than normal, un."

"That's 'cause we're at the club. Just wait till he gets drunk, than it gets real bad."

"If you say so, un..."

~~~~~A Lot Of Drinks Later~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"and then the fucking bastard bitch is all fucking up in my fucking face, and I'm all like Fuck off you motherfucking cocksucking asswipe bitch!, and he's just fucking laughing so I fucking punched his shitty face in, and the motherfucking wank like fucking died, and I'm fucking like Fuck yeah I'm fucking awesome bitch! And then this fucking bitch fucking slaps me and gets all fucking bitchy like Oh! That was my fucking boyfriend! So I fucking slapped her fucking ass off and I'm all like Fucking suck on that, bitch! And then the fucking bouncer fucks over and's all shitting like Get the hell out bitch! And I'm like I ain't some cocksucking bitch, bastard! And then the ass fucking kicked me into the fucking street! It's just so fucking unfair, you know?"

"I hear you, man. I hear you."

"And then the fucking bitch had the fucking nerve to grope me!"

"Whoa, man. Whoa."

Deidara turned to Kakuzu who was wholly absorbed in his book, ignoring Hidan and Kisame.

"Are they always like this, un?"

"Yeah, every single time. Get used to it."

He turned back to his book, and Deidara looked back at where Hidan and Kisame should have been, but weren't anymore. Come to think of it, Sasuke, Naruto, Zetsu, Tobi, and Konan had all disappeared as well. He was about to stand up and go looking for them, when a voice broke into his thoughts.

"Dei Dei!"

"Don't do that, un!"

"But it's fun! Anyway, dance with me!"

"Konan, you're drunk."

"So?"

Giggling, the blue haired woman slid into his lap and began playing with his ponytail.

"You're cute, you know?"

"Get off me, un."

"But I don't wanna!"

She pulled his hair out of his ponytail and shifted so she was straddling him.

"Hey Dei Dei, you want me to give you a lap dance?"

Deidara's jaw dropped, and still giggling she closed it for him.

"Well?"

"W-Why don't you give Leader a lap dance, un?"

" Cause he's run off to flirt with some bitch. It's so unfair! He can go flirt with whomever he likes, but I'm not even allowed to look at anyone without him beating them up!"

She pouted for a few seconds before leaning forwards and trailing he fingers along Deidara's face.

"But he can't beat you up, because you count as a girl."

"Oh, so I'm a girl now. Great, un."

"I know, right! I finally have someone to talk to about boys and stuff!"

She giggled, then switched back into seductive mode.

"So, what do you say about that lap dance?"

"Konan! What are you doing?"

Konan looked up at Leader and her face darkened for an instant before she giggled and pressed herself even closer to Deidara.

"I'm gonna give Dei Dei a lap dance, cause he's my best friend!"

She giggled again, then licked along his jaw line.

"Isn't that right, Dei-Da-Ra?"

"I'm not a girl, un."

"Course not, you're my sexy boy, you ain't no girl. But you're still my best friend!"

"You're drunk, un."

"Maybe. Hey, you wanna go somewhere more private?"

"Um, no!"

"Ah, so you're an exhibitionist! Well, I'll try anything once."

Deidara's eyes widened, and he was about to reply when Leader beat him to it.

"Konan, you're whoring yourself out like a slut. Anyone who saw you would think you're some cheap hooker, you're fuckingpathetic."

"Don't you talk to me like that!"

Konan jumped up off of Deidara and growled at Leader.

"Don't you dare talk to me like that, you goddamn filthy bastard!"

There was a resounding clap, and some blood dribbled out of the side of Konan's mouth, a bruise already beginning to form where Leader had slapped her. She let out one choked sob, then turned away from the pierced man.

"Konan? Are you okay, un?"

"I-I'm fine, I just want to go home, that's all."

She tried smiling up at him, but failed miserably. Flashing with anger, he grabbed Leader's shoulder before he could leave and spun him around.

"What the hell was that for, un!"

"What do you mean?"

"You just hit Konan!"

"Tch, the bitch had it coming."

Deidara's eyes widened dangerously, and he threw his fist forwards, wincing slightly as it connected with Leader's jay.

"Don't you ever call Konan a bitch! I'll kill you if you do!"

Leader's eyes narrowed as he grabbed a hold of Deidara's long blonde locks and sharply pulled them back, forcing the boy to look up at him.

"Have you forgotten your place, boy?"

"As Konan's friend, it's my place to defend her against dumb bastards like you!"

Deidara was aware that this probably wasn't a good idea, but he was royally pissed at Leader, so he did the first thing that came to mind to show his disgust. He spat in his face. Leader twitched with anger, and the next second Deidara was on the floor with one of Leaders hands wrapped around his throat, choking him, whilst the other was hitting him over and over again. Konan was the first to react as she ran over and grabbed a hold of Leader's arm.

"Stop!"

He merely shook her off as if she were an annoying insect. Seconds later, Sasori, Kakuzu, and Tachi reached them, together managing to pry Leader off. Deidara gasped for air as he struggled to his feet, clutching onto Konan for support.

"Deidara, leave, now."

"But-"

"Now!"

Grimacing, he allowed Konan to pull him into the girls bathroom.

"Ouch, un!"

"Sorry!"

"It's okay, un."

Konan waited a few seconds before resuming her task of cleaning off his face.

"It's not your fault, you know."

"What do you mean? If I hadn't acted so stupidly, you'd never have gotten involved."

"Actually, I would have interfered anyways, un. You're my friend, and I won't let him disrespect you like that."

"R-Really?"

"Yeah! That's what friends are for, right?"

"I-I don't know, I've never really had any friends other than Pein and-and-never mind, you wouldn't know who he is."

"Well, I'm your friend now, and I'm going to stick up for you no matter what, un!"

"T-Thanks, Deidara."

"No problem."

He smiled at her, and she smiled back, feeling a lot better now. Just then, a lady came into the bathroom. She looked at Deidara, muttered something that sounded a lot like Kids these days have no morals, then went to the sink next to hers to re apply her make up. Deidara looked at the lady a while, before leaning forward to whisper in her ear.

"Wanna freak her out, un?"

She grinned and nodded, pulling him into one of the stalls. Deidara smirked at her, then let out a really loud moan. She stifled her giggles, and did her best to moan in a sexual way, but she was nowhere near as good as Deidara. Outside the stall, she could hear a clatter as the lady dropped her make up bag to the floor, and she decided to go verbal.

"Oh God Deidara!"

There was a loud thump, and giggling they left the stall. The lady was lying on the floor, passed out.

"High five, un!"

She hit Deidara's hand and laughed, watching him pull out the ladys' make up and smear it on her face.

"Bet she'll never forget us."

"Yeah. Well, shall we go, un?"

Still giggling, she linked her arm with Deidara's and allowed him to escort her out of the bathroom.

"I have messed up big time."

"Yeah, you really have."

Pein sighed and dropped his head into his arms.

"What am I going to do?"

"I dunno, apologise?"

"But I'll look like a complete idiot!"

"You already do."

Pein glared at Itachi before sighing and reaching for his beer, only to have Kakuzu slam his arm down before he could grab the bottle.

"No more alcohol for you."

"But-"

"No! First of all, it's bad for your liver, second of all you could get alcohol poisoning, third of all it costs too much, and lastly, you've caused enough trouble already! Do you know how much it's going to cost to reimburse the club?"

"No..."

"Fifty pounds! Fifty!"

Reluctantly, he withdrew his hand.

"W-Where are they?"

"Who, Deidara and Konan?"

"No, Zetsu and Tobi. Yes I'm asking about Deidara and Konan, dumbass!"

Sasori just rolled his eyes.

"Konan dragged the brat into the girl's bathroom, she's probably cleaning him up."

"Is it that bad?"

"He probably won't be able to see out of his left eye tomorrow."

Pein dropped his head back in his arms and wailed.

"Hey, calm down, man. I'm just kidding, it's not that bad!"

"Actually, it's worse. I think you broke his nose."

"Itachi! Are you trying to make him feel worse?"

"Yes. He should suffer."

Itachi's eyes flashed red, and the three other men edged away from him.

"We're back, un!"

Deidara happily slid into the seat on the left of Itachi, pulling Konan down next to him.

"You two seem oddly cheerful."

"Yeah, we made some lady in the bathroom pass out."

Everyone blankly stared at Konan, and she turned to Deidara to explain.

"We went into one of the stalls and pretended to have sex, un."

Pein's jaw dropped. Next to him, Kakuzu spit out his drink, Sasori fell out of his chair, and Itachi...Well, Itachi just went Hn and nodded. Nobody said anything, and it started to get real awkward. Just then Deidara held up his hands in some demented hand sign.

"Awkward turtle, un!"

"What?"

"Awkward turtle. You say it when it's quiet because no one knows what to say, un."

"Um...Okay..."

"So, where'd everyone else go anyways, un?"

"Fucking behind you, bitch!"

"Ah!"

Deidara jumped, and Hidan laughed as he slid into Kakuzu's lap. Obviously used to it, the miser just pulled out his book and resumed reading. Kisame sat down on Itachi's other side.

"Don't do that, un!"

"Why the fuck not?"

"Because it's not nice, un."

"Well I ain't fucking nice, I-Whoa! What the fuck happened to your fucking face, bitch?"

Deidara glared at Hidan, and Pein tensed, pretty positive that he knew what was coming next.

"I'm not telling you, un."

"Why the fuck not!"

"Ask me without swearing and I might consider answering."

"Burn, man. Burn."

"I've got it!"

Everyone stared at Konan, who had jumped up in realisation.

"What is it, un?"

"Kisame talks like a hippie when he's drunk!"

...

"Awkward turtle, un!"

**Yay, done! Drunk people are fun to write, so. I love the part where Konan gets drunk and molests DeiDei, and he's just sulking cos she called him a girl. Yeah, so. Clarification: Sasuke, Naruto, Zetsu, Tobi, Kisame, and Hidan were not there for the Leader-Deidara fight, and thus do not know that it ever happened. Yeah, and I know Deidara is under-aged, but he's Akatsuki, he can go to the club if he wants to, though he can't buy the drinks. Which means the others have to buy them for him. Haha. Drunkies are fun to write. And just so you know, I did not mean to offend any hippies with Kisame's speech, it's just poking fun at stereotypes. So. Yeah. Done ranting now, if there's anything else that's unclear, just tell me and I'll make sure to clean it up. I hope you enjoyed the story, and have a great day!**


	8. DQA and the Pink Sparkly Dress

**Note: I do not own any of the characters used in this story, and receive no monetary benefit from writing/posting this. **

"YOU!"

Pein sighed. He had a feeling he knew why Naruto was in his office, and that he wasn't going to enjoy this conversation.

"Yes Naruto?"

"We're out of ramen!"

"…What?"

"We. Are. Out. Of. Ramen! And DeiDei got beat up by some drunk guy and he won't tell me who so I can kill them so I need to make him ramen so he gets better since I can't kill whoever did this to him cause he won't tell me!"

"Um, okay…What do you want me to do?"

"Er, I don't really know, I just came to tell you there's no ramen left."

"Why don't you go buy some more?"

…

"That's an awesome idea! See ya later, Mister Leader Dude!"

One orange blur later, and Pein was alone once again.

"So, why are we doing this again?"

"Because Leader is obviously sexually frustrated and needs to take it out on Konan."

"Won't that hurt her, un?"

"Naw, the bitch totally wants the motherfucking bastard to pound her into the fucking wall."

"Are you sure they'll do it against the wall? I think they'll use the floor."

"I think they'll use a bed, like normal people."

"I think they'll use the desk, un!"

Hidan, Kisame, and Itachi all turned to stare at Deidara, who brightly grinned back.

"The desk?"

"Yep! If you think about it, he gets horny when he's stressed, which means paperwork, which means desk, and I doubt they'll have enough patience to make it to the bed, or the wall, or even the floor. Plus doing it on a desk is sexy, un."

"Deidara…You're starting to remind me of Konan now."

"Konan's my sister, un!"

"Dude. She's old enough to be your mum!"

"Yeah, if she was one of those teen pregnancies. She's not that much older than me, un."

"She's more than twice your age."

"Whatever."

"Moving on, how are we going to do this shit?"

"Hm…Me and Dei will get Konan ready while you two get Leader into his office, then we'll lock her in with him and let their sexual chemistry do the rest."

"You know, that plan kinda fucking sucks balls."

"Oh? So the ever-so-great Hidan has a better idea then? Why don't you share it with us, then."

Hidan glared at Itachi and grumbled under his breath, going slightly red around his ears.

"Yeah, didn't think so. Let's go."

"Konan, un!"

"Hi DeiDei!"

"Hi! Konan, Konan, can me and 'Tachi give you a makeover? Please, please, please?"

"Where did that come from, and what's got you so hyper?"

"Un, well,-"

"We're planning a huge sleep over, and we're going to make everyone dress up, so we decided to start on the makeovers now to ensure we get to everyone."

"Oh, okay then. You can try, but I'm warning you, it's impossible to make me look good."

"Well you're in luck, cause impossible is our specialty, un!"

As Deidara pulled Konan off to his workshop, Itachi pulled out his walkie-talkie.

"Stage One, complete."

"Hey DeiDei, where are you taking me?"

"It's a secret! Keep your eyes closed, kay?"

"If you say so."

Konan smiled as Deidara took her hands and led her through the base, towards Leader's office.

"Dei, are we there?"

"Not yet, un. No peeking!"

He turned the corner and spotted Hidan and Kisame loitering outside Leader's office. They opened the door and he shoved Konan in, quickly slamming the door shut and locking it from the outside.

"Do you think that'll be enough, un?"

"I'm not sure…"

Kisame grabbed a nearby wardrobe and shoved it up against the door. Hidan procured a Do Not Disturb sign from somewhere within his cloak (don't ask why he had it) and hung it on the wardrobe knob.

"Fucking perfect! Now what?"

"Um...I don't know, un…"

"Let's go ask Itachi!"

"Itachi! Where are you, un?"

"Behind you."

"AH! Itachi's a creepy stalker guy!"

"Kisame, we've been over this nearly a thousand times now. I am not 'a creepy stalker guy', I am merely easily overlooked. There is a difference."

"Hey weasel, we've locked the fucking bitches in the shit-ass office, what the hell do we do now?"

"Whatever it is an imbecile such as yourself would normally do. We'll let them out later, say around five in the afternoon, so you have about seven hours to do whatever you want."

"I'm not a fucking imbecile you bitch!"

"Maybe, but you are linguistically inhibited."

"What the hell does that mean?"

"Look it up, if you can read that is."

Smirking, Itachi sauntered off, closely followed by Kisame.

"Damn you weasel! Get the fuck back here right now! Hey! I'm talking to you! Don't you dare piss off! Listen to me!"

"I swear, I am going to kill them when I get out! Tricking me like that! URGH!"

"Um, Konan, who are you talking about?"

"Itachi and Deidara! They tricked me into thinking there was some dumb sleep over shit, and now I'm dressed like a slut and I'm stuck in here with you!"

The venom with which she spat out the word 'you' was enough to make even the fearsome Pein flinch.

"What's wrong with me?"

"Nothing's wrong with you, that's exactly why this sucks so much!"

"What?"

"I hate being stuck in here with you because it just reminds me of how stupid I am for falling in love with you!"

She turned back to the door and smashed her head against it as he stared at her in shock. Sure, he'd always known that she admired him, but he'd thought it was just the Wow-You're-Awesome kind of admiration, not actual full blown love. He hesitantly walked over, stopping right behind her. She tensed up, but didn't turn around.

"Konan."

"Leave me alone."

"Konan, look at me."

"I don't want to."

He was about to snap that she was behaving like a whiny child, but stopped himself. It had become a habit for him to insult her as a means of making himself feel better. Abandoning the authorative tone he usually spoke in, he tried her nickname from when they were younger.

"Kona, please."

She reluctantly turned around, tears flowing down her face, ruining all the make-up Deidara and Itachi had put on her. Most people would say she looked upset. But to him, she looked evil, vulnerable, ugly, beautiful, pure, tainted, all this and so much more at the same moment, he just couldn't find the words to describe her. She was so sharply defined, yet so indefinite, he could describe her in three sentences but he could never put her into words, she was Konan and she was his. So throwing rational thinking and logic to the wind, he leaned down and kissed her.

"Itachi? What the hell are you wearing?"

"Foolish little brother, can you really not tell? Honestly, we must work on your observation skills. I am wearing what is commonly known as a dress."

"Why?"

"It's a distraction, or, to be more precise, it's going to be a distraction."

"For what?"

"You know how we locked Konan and Leader in his office together?"

"No."

"Well, basically, Hidan, Deidara, Kisame and myself locked those two in Leader's office together in the hopes that they would finally realize they share extreme sexual tension and relieve their stress together. Any minute now, Hidan is going to unlock the door and will most likely be chased by a very angry Konan, and possibly also Leader. However when they come past and spot me, the sight of the dress ought to distract their attention long enough for them to forget why they were angry in the first place."

"What if it doesn't work?"

"That's why you're here."

"What."

Itachi placed his hands on Sasuke's shoulders, a look of utmost seriousness on his face.

"Sasuke. I realize that this is a big responsibility, however I am confident in your abilities. I…Believe in you, Sasuke."

Screaming sounds were heard advancing towards them, and Itachi gave Sasuke on last look before releasing him and stepping towards the door in order to meet the soon-to-come attack. However, he stepped forwards just as Hidan came careening in through the entrance, and with a large crash he was knocked to the floor by the Jashinist.

"Hidan you get back he-Holy Shit!"

Sasuke sighed and rolled his eyes as Konan, Leader, and Kakuzu all came in and looked at him expectantly.

"I am not explaining this."

"But brother!"

"Naw. Good luck with this one, Itachi."

He raised a hand in farewell as he sauntered out of the kitchen, and Itachi glared after him angrily, but was unable to do anything due to the silver-haired man sitting on him who was swearing about his head hurting.

"Fucking hell that hurt like a bitch!"

"Yes, I realise this, now can you please GET THE FUCK OFF ME!"

Hidan's eyes widened and he leapt up as if he'd just been set on fire.

"Shit weasel, you didn't have to yell."

"You wrinkled my dress."

"What the hell?"

Itachi let out a disdainful humph and smoothed his dress down before pottering out, his nose held high.

"What the fuck, I didn't fucking mean to crash into the bitch, and it's just a fucking dress, it's no big deal. IT"S JUST A DRESS!"

Hidan was so caught up in his rant at the now-gone Itachi that he completely forgot about Konan chasing him. Unluckily for him, she did remember, and turned to him with an evil glint in her eyes. But fortunately someone else remembered and decided to take pity on this poor, swearing creature, by grabbing it by the hair and dragging it out of the kitchen.

"What the fuck is your problem?"

Hidan grunted as he was roughly flung onto a bed. Behind him, he heard his captor close and lock the door.

"You really are stupid, you know."

Glaring, he sat up and turned to face the older man.

"Fuck off!"

Kakuzu raised a brow as he crossed his arms and leaned back against the door.

"You should know by now to never let your guard down when you're being chased by Konan. Tch, you're really far too easily distracted."

"Am fucking not!"

Kakuzu grinned, and Hidan gulped. A grinning Kakuzu was never a good thing.

"Hidan? Your hair is messed up."

"What? Argh, you fucking bastard, it'll take me hours to fucking fix it! You-"

He was cut off suddenly as he was knocked backwards onto the bed, his head smacking into the headboard on the way.

"Shit!"

"Far too easy to distract you."

Growling, he glared up into Kakuzu's bright green eyes.

"Off. Me. Now. Bastard."

"Give me one good reason why I should"

"Cause I fucking said so!"

"Hm…No, not good enough."

"What? Fine! Um, because…Because I'll knee you in the balls if you don't!"

"Tch, violent much?"

But the older man released him, and moved to sit in the chair by the desk.

"Kakuzu, you open the door this instant!"

Hidan gulped. Konan, right outside the door, plus sounding extremely pissed, equals not good.

"No can do, I'm busy."

He looked at Kakuzu, shocked that the other was actually covering for him. Normally he'd have flung him out the door straight away.

"I know he's in there, you can't hide him forever!"

"Sorry Konan, but Hidan isn't here."

An evil glint arose in the brunettes eyes as he looked directly at Hidan.

"He went to the Drag Queens Anoymonous meeting with Itachi and Deidara."

Hidan's mouth fell open and he was about to curse Kakuzu to China when he remembered that Konan was outside, and if she found out he was actually in here she'd kill him. So instead he had to settle for glaring at him in promise of great pain later.

"What?"

"Drag Queens Anoymonous, DQA. If you want to go find him, he's the one in the sparkly pink dress."

Sparkly pink dress? Oh, Kakuzu was **so **getting it later.

"Okay…Um, sorry for disturbing you."

He waited until he could no longer hear the patter of her feet before jumping up, fully prepared to give Kakuzu a piece of his mind, only to be knocked back down again, a surprisingly soft hand preventing the curses from slipping out.

"She's still there, you know."

"Damn bitch."

"Your fault for locking her in Leaders office. And by the way, you owe me for saving your ass."

"I am so fucking killing you later!"

**YAY, it's finally done! Sorry if this one seemed to take longer than normal, I lost my notebook with the story and had to write most of it by memory and then I forgot some parts, so yeah. And I know that the bit at the end kind of ruins the flow, but I had to add it in, just for the sparkly pink dress! Okay, so next chapter is going to be more dark and the plot's actually going to progress! Which it hasn't done for about five chapters I'm guessing, but yeah. I'm thinking about maybe doing a story about Itachi in a dress. I imagine that he's kind of like one of those posh English ladies that used to go around looking down their noses at everybody back in whenever it was. What do you lot think? Adventures of Itachi in a Dress, yes or no? Anyways, thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed this chapter!**


	9. Goodbye, Akatsuki!

**Note: I do not own any of the characters used in this story, and receive no monetary benefit from writing/posting this. **

"Itachi, un!"

"Yes Deidara?"

"Why are you still wearing the dress?"

"…"

"You know what, forget I asked. Have you seen Naruto, un?"

"Last I saw, he went down to the river about half an hour ago. Why?"

"Oh, no reason, just wondering what he's up to. See you later!"

Deidara smiled brightly before casually sauntering off. As soon as he was out of sight, he started running. Naruto was monophobic, he would never willingly spend half an hour all by himself, and everyone was in the base… No, they couldn't have found them. They couldn't have, they'd taken such great care in covering their tracks this time, it would've been impossible.

"D-Deidara?"

"Naruto? Where are you?"

"I'm in the tree."

He hoisted himself up into the branches and stared at his brother.

"What happened, un?"

"It was Hinata, they've gotten her, she barely managed to stop herself! They're coming for us, how did they find us?"

"I don't know. Oh Jashin, poor Hinata! How far is she?"

"Real bad, she nearly killed me before she…she…"

"What?"

"She drowned herself."

Deidara glanced over at the river and immediately looked away. The dark haired girl was floating face down, red staining the water around her body.

"We should bury her."

"Later, un, there's not enough time, we have to leave."

"But I don't want to leave, and she saved my life!"

"We'll get caught if we stay here any longer, and they'll kill all the others! Do you want your precious Sasuke dying!"

"…No…"

"Look, I'm sorry. I know you don't want to leave, but we have to. This time, we're leaving the country. Maybe then we'll be safe. We could go dem somewhere else, I heard Europe has lots of pollution."

"Okay, but Dei?"

"Yeah?"

"I think my leg's broken."

He examined said leg, gently prodding it.

"Not broke, it's a sprain, un. I'll make you one of my birds to fly on."

"Um, Deidara…"

"What is it now?"

"Could I, well, can I leave a note for Sasuke?"

"No."

"Just quickly, I'll be in and out, I swear, I just… I just don't want him to think I abandoned him."

Naruto gazed down at his fingers, twiddling them together. He realised that he was imitating the gesture Hinata was known for, and sighed.

"Okay, but no stopping for anything! And you come straight back, understood?"

"You're not coming?"

"Someone has to bury her, un."

Tears welled up in the younger's eyes, and he embraced him quickly before leaping back and enlargening the clay bird.

"Now get on with you, we've got to leave."

"Yes!"

"So, you gonna tell us what's going on?"

Naruto growled quietly, but didn't answer.

"Okay, how about telling us where Deidara went?"

Still, he refused to answer. Damnit, he should've listened to Deidara! Of course Sasuke would wander into the room as he was about to leave and immediately figure out what he was planning, the boy was a genius! And Deidara had warned him not to come back, but no, he just had to be a stubborn bastard and ignore his older brother even though he was nearly always right!

"Not talking isn't going to help you any."

"Neither will staying here!"

Shit, shit, shit! He wasn't supposed to say anything! He got started on talking, and he'd just ramble on and on about all the stuff he wasn't meant to talk about, which wasn't good. And this time, there was no one to cover his mouth and silently yell at him to shut up.

"C'mon Dei, you gotta come rescue me!"

"What was that?"

"None of your business!"

"You two, as far as I can tell, have no reason for running away. Obviously something else is going on, something you're not telling us about."

They'd hit the nail right on the head, but could he really have expected anything else? This was the Akatsuki, after all, they were all of them, well, most of them, extremely smart people. In retrospect, he probably should've listened to Deidara way back last year when he warned him that it wasn't a good idea to get involved with the Akatsuki. But no, he asked them to tempt them with ramen, because he was a fucking idiot!

"N-Nothing's going on, we just really really have to leave!"

"Oh really?"

"Y-Yes r-really!"

Damnit, now he was stuttering! Just like Hinata used to…No! No thinking of the past! That's done, over, gone! Focus on getting to Deidara! He's waiting! Actually, he should be here by now, but he wasn't, which meant…

"SHIT!"

They stared at him in shock, not surprising since he'd just interrupted Leader's 'You-Will-Talk-Whether-You-Want-To-Or-Not speech.

"Shit, shit, shit! How could I have been so stupid? I left him alone, I'm an idiot, he's a wimp when it comes to fighting, and he just used the last of his clay on making that bird for me, they've probably gotten him by now, shit, shit, shit!"

"Who's gotten your brother?"

He froze. Yeah, really need to work on not ranting out loud, it wasn't too good.

"Erm..Flying Monkeys?"

Yep, he was royally screwed.

"Where. Is. Your. Brother."

"I've already told you, I don't know!"

"Bullshit! Where is he?"

"I swear, I don't know! He was supposed to meet me at the river but he never showed up, he's probably left by now!"

The elder man leaned forward and savagely grabbed hold of his blond hair.

"Do you want to know how we found you?"

"U-Un"

"I've got a tracking device in your left eye. Sends me your co-ordinates every month or so, and, well, when you stay in the same place for a long time, it just makes my job that much easier."

He whimpered quietly, tears threatening to spill over.

"Aw, what's wrong, going to cry? Of course you are. I've trapped you, you've got no escape now. You could always try cutting it out, but that would mean losing your entire left eye. And I know you won't do that, what use is a bomber without depth perception? No one will want you, not even that stupid, foolish brother of yours. He'll leave you all alone, just like he did the last time, just like everyone else did, just like your father did, just like your mummy did. Poor, little Deidara, always crying alone in the corner. Nobody wants you, you're a worthless piece of shit and you know it, the only thing you're good for is testing."

He raised a hand to gently caress the boys cheek, and he looked away.

"Please, no"

A sharp, stinging pain, and he'd been slapped. He inhaled sharply, trying to ignore the sharp words flowing into his ears.

"Aw, is poor little Deidara scared? I'll show you something to be scared of."

Against his will the tears started flowing and he screwed his eyes shut, desperately hoping to be anywhere but here.

"You have to let me go!"

"Not until you tell us what's going on."

"Please, you don't understand! Deidara's in trouble, I have to help him!"

"Then you'd better start talking!"

He flinched, and cowered under Sasori's glare.

"I'm not supposed to tell anyone."

"Why not?"

"They kill everyone who finds out, I don't want any of you to die and neither does Deidara, that's why we have to go! Now please, let me go help him!"

"We're coming with you."

"B-But-"

"You're a part of Akatsuki now, and we might be twisted psychopaths that have killed thousands of innocent people, but we protect our members, and you and Deidara are a part of Akatsuki whether you like it or not, and we refuse to allow you to go through this alone."

"T-They'll kill you though!"

"I'd like to see those fuckers try! No one can stand up to the power of the entire Akatsuki combined, and when we're pissed, we're invincible! And trust me, from the sounds of it these people have been hurting you and blondie, and we're fucking pissed!"

"So where is Deidara?"

"I was meant to meet him by the river."

**And it's done! I'm sorry this took o long, but I had to keep on redoing Deidara's kidnapping scene, because it just plain sucked, which is why I decided to cut it out. Grr, evil inability to write good fight scenes! And if you can guess who the villain is, I salute you! Although it probably isn't that hard, actually maybe it is. So, yeah, I should be putting the next chapter up soon-ish, and that means this story is almost done! Well, I hope you enjoyed this chapter!**


	10. Zombies, Globs, Flying Pigs and Cows

**Note: I do not own any of the characters used in this story, and receive no monetary benefit from writing/posting this. **

"Un, don't touch me!"

"Calm down, I'm not going to hurt you. I'm a prisoner too."

The dark-haired girl hugged him tightly, and he whimpered in fear.

"It's okay, he won't do anything that bad to you, he likes boys, not girls."

"I am a boy, un!"

"Oh. Erm, well…"

He buried his face in his hands and wailed.

"Ah, don't worry kid, with a pretty face like yours you're bound to have friends that'll come and help you."

"B-But then they'll be hurt too!"

"So? You should be able to escape while they distract him, get a ticket to Hawaii or something and never look back."

"I should just abandon them? Are you crazy?"

"It's not like they'll ever be able to beat you up for it. Besides, that's what friends are for. Sacrifice to ensure your survival."

"No. No, you're wrong, un! Real friends stick together no matter what, they'd **never** abandon each other!"

"Getting agitated, aren't we?"

Deidara froze and slowly turned around, whimpering slightly.

"My pretty little pet, it's playtime!"

"U-Un!"

"So?"

"He was here. But, so was someone else."

"Damnit!"

"Zetsu, can you track which way they went?"

"Hm."

He closed his eyes, holding up his finger for silence. A few tense seconds later he re-opened his eyes.

"This way."

"How can you be so sure?"

"I can smell Deidara's blood."

"O-Oh."

Naruto gulped, getting even more worried the further away from the base they got.

"Hn. Naruto."

"Huh?"

"He'll be fine, we'll get to him on time, I'm sure of it."

"If you say so…"

"A factory? How the hell did we not know about this?"

"No idea. It seems inactive, probably this guys base or something."

"Yeah, I guess. The question now is, is Deidara in there or have they moved him?"

"Only one way to find out."

Zetsu and Pein crept back through the bushes to where the rest of the Akatsuki were waiting.

"So?"

"We think he might be in that factory, but there's no way to tell for sure without going in."

"What do we do then?"

"We go in of course, and look if he's there. Try to be inconspicuous."

"Yes, sir!"

"Okay, moving out."

Tobi grinned happily as he ninja-rolled across the corridor. Zetsu had just told him that going by the smell, Deidara Senpai was definitely still here, meaning they'd find him soon! Plus, so far they hadn't run into any guards whatso-Thump! Scratch that. Tobi, being Tobi, had just collided with…You guessed it, a guard. Looked like they'd be fighting after all…

"Pein, don't you dare go off without me!"

Too late. He was gone. She could go after him…Sighing, Konan turned away and jogged down the other hallway. Damn Pein for splitting up. Of course it meant they could cover more ground, and she wasn't particularly worried about encountering anyone, after all she was a skilled fighter, but it was nice to have someone else around. Especially in a creepy place like this, she was reacting to every sound she heard, and the constant adrenaline hype was starting to tire her out. She was jolted out of her thoughts by a blood-curdling scream. A scream she recognized from a few months back when she'd been on her way to the bathroom when she heard screaming from a certain terrorists room, a certain blonde pyromaniac terrorist who had been having a nightmare. She ran. Straight, Right, Left, Left, Right, Straight, There! She flung open the illuminated door and froze in place.

"Hello, dear Konan."

Her eyes widened and she dropped to her knees, leaning forwards and expelling the contents of her stomach all over the floor.

"Excuse me, this is a laboratory, I'd appreciate it if you didn't puke in here!"

"You-You monster!"

"I'm not the monster. That would be my dear little pet here."

A scream of pure rage echoed throughout the factory. All the male Akatsuki members headed in the direction of the sound, easily recognizing it as Konan. It was well-known amongst them as Konan's I-Will-Fucking-Rip-Your-Damn-Head-Off-! Scream. It didn't last very long, but luckily, Sasuke, Naruto, and Pein were close enough to reach the hallway before their guiding noise faded away. The rest of the Akatsuki stayed in the hallways around the general origin of the scream, fighting off weird…things, which had been roused by Konan's battle cry. There were zombies, acid-covered spiders, random globs of slime with mouths, pigs with wings, and cows. They were all vicious creatures, attacking relentlessly…Except for the cows. They just stood there and mooed, because cows are cool creatures and do not participate in fighting. They actually don't really do anything except eat, sleep, shit, and occasionally fuck if there's a bull around. Yeah, cows are awesome… But these are terrorists we're talking about, people, so of course they don't care about the awesomeness factors of cows, they kill anything that gets in their way. Which, was the cows, since they just stood there and mooed, not moving. Yeah, stupid cows, they really should have moved. Unless they were suicidal, but why would a cow be suicidal? Anyways, it was a strange sight to behold, watching Tobi perform his Rainbow-Sprinkles-Unicorn Attack on a random cow who did nothing. The sad part is, the cow won the fight, and Hidan had to hop in and save his ass. Which made for an even stager sight, seeing Hidan perform his jashinist ritual on a cow. And it still didn't die, it was probably some kind of genetically modified cow! In the end, they gave up trying to kill it and just locked it in a supply closet.

"Deidara? Deidara! Answer me, please!"

Konan wasn't an emotionally weak person, in fact the only time she really ever cried was when she was drunk or Pein had insulted her really badly, but right now, seeing this young boy force open his eye, she could've burst into tears.

"K-Konan, un?"

"I'm here baby. It's gonna be all right, I'm not going to let anyone hurt you."

"What-How-Why-?"

"Ssh, it's going to be okay. I'm going to get you out of here, you're gonna be fine."

She rocked him back and forth like a child a little, before slowly rising to her feet, the blonde boy securely in her arms.

"I-I can walk, un."

"Even if I believed that I'd still carry you."

Slowly, quietly, she edged her way to the door, avoiding the fight as much as possible while trying to ensure her comrades saw her intentions. She nudged the door open with her shoulder and quickly set off to the right.

"Konan, wrong way!"

Turning back around, she saw Pein, Sasuke, and Naruto on the other side of the door, and separating hr from them? The man she'd caught pulling out the intestines of her Deidara, commonly known as Orochimaru.

**Dun Dun Duun! But seriously, is there anyone who wasn't expecting that to happen? I think it was kind of obvious, Orochimaru's nearly always the main character or the villain, never in-between. Yeah, so. They've found Deidara! Yay! And I will leav it up to you lot to decide the exact details of what Orochimaru did to DeiDei, but it involves blood, pain, and guts. Yup, in order to examine the intestinal system, he dissected Deidara while he was awake and conscious. I think I read something like that somewhere else, just with him checking out his heart…I don't meant to copyright if that person or a reader of that person's work is reading this! I actually got this idea before reading that story, and then I thought shit, I like this idea but someone else has used it, so instead of examining his heart he was examining his guts. And before that he was examining his lungs. Because it's fun to torture Deidara. My damn e button had been messing up this entire time, so I'm sorry that this is later than I'd hoped, but I'd press e and no e would come, and then I'd have to go back. Gr. I suck at typing. Well, I hope you enjoyed this chapter!**


	11. He's MINE!

**Note: I do not own any of the characters used in this story, and receive no monetary benefit from writing/posting this. **

No thoughts, just action. She ran away from the door, away from him, Deidara still securely wrapped in her arms. She was lost, Deidara had fainted again, and Orochimaru was following. Well, no way in hell she was gonna let him get Deidara, he was one of **her **boys! **She **took care of them, and she wasn't going to let some creepy bastard take them away from her! These thoughts in mind, she carefully set down Deidara in a corner and turned to face her pursuer. If she could stall him long enough, maybe the others could catch up to them. If not, she'd fight him herself, she was pretty positive she could fight him and defend Deidara at the same time.

"Hello, Konan."

"Orochimaru. I thought I told you to keep your hands away from my boys! First Itachi, then Sasuke, and now Deidara!"

"Ah, but he was mine first."

"What? No!"

"Yes! I've owned him since before he was born, why do you think he can't use his chakra? Because **I** made it explosive, **I** created him!"

"B-But he was with his brother, with Naruto!"

"No, not really, I kept them in separate cells. Of course Naruto also came into my possession much later, after Kushina had died."

"Kushina? What the hell does she have to do with this?"

"She was Naruto's mother. Poor thing, she was heart-broken when Minato left her, pregnant with their unborn child, and for what? A psychopathic doctor. Of course, he did the same to her too, but she knew what to do. My dear old friend Tsunade sold me her child, smart woman. He belongs to me now, cost me five hundred dollars. Still, I'd say it was a good bargain. I've created the perfect weapon, plus he's cute."

Konan gaped at him, vaguely aware that she probably looked like a goldfish but not really caring.

"What kind of twisted bitch would sell her child to a person like you!"

"Come now Konan, you would have done the same, wouldn't you?"

"N-No!"

"You are, you were going to be his next. If only you hadn't joined Akatsuki, he would've come to you after he left Tsunade. You would've mothered his third child, and then it would have come to me, just like the other two did. You know, I like you, so I'd probably have given you five thousand for yours. Your 'Deidara' was just five hundred, and Tsunade's lucky she got that, damn alcoholic nearly damaged my property."

"He does not belong to you!"

"When will you get it through your head that no matter how much you deny it, he is still undoubtedly mine in his whole entirety? Now be a good girl and step aside, I have some experiments I want to do."

"No! I won't let you!"

"Suit yourself."

He snapped his fingers, and his trusty sidekick Kabuto appeared behind him.

"Yes, Lord Orochimaru?"

"Get rid of this pest, then bring the boy to my chambers. I want to have a little fun with him."

"Of course, Lord Orochimaru."

The silver-haired male bowed, and Orochimaru walked off, presumably headed towards her chambers.

"So, just get rid of you? That'll be easy, hardly a challenge…"

He trailed off as he looked up at her and gulped. Well, that was reasonable, Deidara was her baby boy and he'd just been insulted and degraded by this despicable men who then had the nerve to scorn her! And as the old quote says, Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Konan also remembered hearing some other truth of life about mothers and protection, but she was too pissed to think about that. Right now, the only important thing was that she was mad, and she was going to rip this motherfucker into pieces, and then she was going to find Orochimaru, and she was going to make him regret the day he messed with **her **boys!

"Um…Lord Orochimaru?"

"RAWR! I'M GONNA KILL YOU BITCH!"

She lunged at the man, wildly flinging punches and kicks at him and just generally going completely wild. He screamed and grabbed his kunai, slicing at her desperately, but she paid the wounds no attention. She was out for blood, and she was going to get it.

"Konan!"

"Konan!"

"KONAN!"

Suddenly she was yanked away from her victim and her arms were pinned behind her back.

"Let me at him! I'm going to kill the fucking bastard!"

"Konan, he's dead already!"

She slowly calmed down, allowing Pein to restrain her from further attacking the limp mass of flesh that no longer resembled a body. The adrenaline rush fading from her system, the stinging sensation of her wounds finally kicked in and she hissed in pain.

"Konan?"

"I'm fine, look after Deidara."

"Naruto and Sasuke have him, where did he get you?"

"I don't know…Pein?"

"Yes?"

"Deidara's mother…She sold him. Before he was even born, she sold him to the bastard for five hundred dollars!"

"Ssh, it's okay. You can't change what she did."

"H-He said it was supposed to b me selling my baby to him! He said Minato was going to come to me, and get me pregnant, then leave me and I'd sell the baby-!"

She broke off into sobs, and he pulled her closer.

"No, you wouldn't have sold your child, that woman was insane. Come on Konan, we've got to get out of here. Deidara's safe now, you've saved him."

"I-"

Her vision went black and she never finished her sentence as her legs gave way underneath her, sinking her into the familiar darkness of unconsciousness.

Done. Still hate my keyboard, but, whatever. I hope you enjoyed this chapter! And for those of you who like boy on boy love, that's basically all the next chapter is about, so have fun with that!


	12. Why doesn't Zetsu show Tobi?

**Note: I do not own any of the characters used in this story, and receive no monetary benefit from writing/posting this. So. If you actually read my note in the first chapter and if there are any homophobics reading this (which there shouldn't be), then here's my warning! **

"How is she?"

"She'll be fine, she just fainted from shock and blood loss. With a lot of rest, she should be good as new soon."

Pein sighed in relief that his Konan was all right.

"And Deidara?"

"He'll live. Possibly."

"Possibly?"

"His body has been pushed past its limits, plus with the emotional trauma Orochimaru doubtlessly put him through there's a high chance he won't make it."

"Y-You mean Dei Dei's going to die?"

"Naruto! I told you to stay in your room!"

"B-But Deidara!"

"Standing outside the hospital room wailing isn't going to make him better. Piss off."

"W-What?"

Kakuzu sighed before turning to Pein.

"Permission to slap him?"

Hm…That sounded like a good idea…No! Konan would not allow it, and it would count as child abuse! Not that he cared or anything, and the abuse of children certainly didn't bring up memories of his past and how it stole two of his three childhood friends away from him, and he certainly didn't watch the music video to Concrete Angel and cry! He was the Leader of Akatsuki, he had no emotions! Except when he was with Konan, then he was Pein and he could feel many things…

"Leader?"

"Permission denied. I'll take him to his room. Come on Naruto."

He took the boy by the shoulders and steered him away from the danger of a frustrated Kakuzu. Soon they came across Sasuke, and Pein thrust the blonde into his arms.

"Take care of him, make sure he doesn't go back to the hospital room."

He quickly stalked off before the boy could protest, then paused a few hallways over. What the hell did he do now? Well, he might as well do some paper work…Or he could just mope in his room since his angel was hurt. Yeah, moping about sounded real good right now.

Sasori sat on his bed and stared at the ceiling. Leader had informed all of the members (except Sasuke, who would find it out from Naruto, and Konan, who was unconscious and already knew) about the information revealed to them by Orochimaru (well, Konan found it out from Orochimaru, Naruto explained the whole thing to Leader so that they actually knew what the fuck had just gone on) and, well, to put it simple, it had fucked up his mind. Seriously. He couldn't think, he couldn't focus, he just had random sentences drifting through his head at unpredictable intervals. Emphasis on the 'random' and 'unpredictable'. Sasori was not like Deidara, he did not enjoy random unpredictable things. Okay, so maybe he did enjoy it sometimes, but that was only rare occasions and always involved Deidara somehow. Although technically this did involve Deidara...Damnit this was confusing!

He growled as he sat upright, grabbing his head and shaking at back and forth in a hopeless attempt to clear his mind. He remembered something Konan had told him once, when he's found her diary. She'd said that writing her thoughts down helped her organise and absorb them better. He'd brushed it off as a chick thing, but he didn't really have any other options, so he grabbed a pen and paper and started writing.

One. Deidara (and Naruto)'s father is Minato. He used to be the president of the United States until he was assassinated about ten years back. He was personally responsible for starting the war with Great Britain, which we predictably lost because he sucked ass at military shit. It was lucky the British like us, because otherwise we'd have been in deep shit.

Two. Naruto's mother is Kushina. She used to be a famous French actress and Minato's fiancée, until he left her. About a year or so after her child was born, she died from drug overdose, it was found that she'd been using drugs heavily even before she became pregnant. No one ever knew what happened to the child. Maybe her druggie ways are what caused Naruto to be so...Weird.

Three. Deidara's mother is Tsunade. She used to be a successful doctor who had a gambling problem and was incredibly alcoholic after her brother and boyfriend died in a drunk driving accident during high school...So it doesn't really make much sense why she turned to drink... She sold Deidara to Orochimaru for five hundred quid, then later for some unknown reason she went homicidal and started killing her patients. I think she's been locked away four of five years now.

Four. Orochimaru used Deidara as an experiment. He made him and Naruto demolish any businesses that rivalled his while they were under his control. Deidara first killed someone when he was one. Naruto was five when he joined his brother. They escaped Orochimaru when Deidara was ten, and kept demolishing factories because they didn't know what else to do. They worked as mercenaries, people would hire them to destroy something or kill someone. Deidara has been hired to seduce men more than thrice his age in order to gain vital information. And he's been raped by lots of their customers. He couldn't do anything to stop them.

Five. While they were still in Orocimaru's lab, the bastard managed to re create one of my poisons, where the person who consumes the poison slowly loses their mind, becoming a mindless pawn. He used this on any friends Deidara and Naruto made, and told them to kill the two. Naruto couldn't kill his friends, Deidara had to do it. He's already killed seventeen of those close to him. All before he turned seven, when he decided it wasn't worth it to befriend anyone.

Six. Orochimaru used to be my partner. I had a crush on him for the longest time, and I was heart- broken when he left. And I never even knew what went on in his lab. Five years ago, a couple of months after I'd first met him, he'd seemed kind of annoyed. He said that two of his experiments had escaped him, two perfect weapons. I didn't know what he meant back then, but now it's obvious he was talking about Deidara and Naruto. I worshipped this man (not literally); I thought he was the one person I would always love. I was fucking wrong.

Seven. I might just like Deidara more than a friend. As in, I think I love him.

Sasori sat back and stared at that last point. 'I think I love him.' But that couldn't be right. Sure, he'd always known he was into guys, but after Orochimaru had left he'd sworn to himself to never like anyone again. And yet here he was, potentially in love with this blonde brat who was only fifteen and that was paedophilia and he might not live and- He abruptly stood up, crumpling the paper in his fist and stealing some of Deidara's matches. (Hey, blonde pyromaniacs always have matches. It's a law of life) Watching the flames burn, he pondered what to do next. Well, he'd gotten rid of any evidence so no one would ever find out, so that was done. Hm... He should probably get some rest. There was no way the blonde would be waking up this soon-If he even woke up at all-and he was tired after fighting those evil cows. And it's not like he had a time limit, Deidara wasn't going anywhere and neither was he. His feelings could wait until tomorrow for him to sort through them.

Breakfast that day was a sombre occasion. Talk was limited to quiet greetings, and even Tobi remained silent. Naruto and Sasuke didn't even come down. Surprisingly enough, it was Itachi that first broke the silence.

"Now what?"

"Tobi says we go kill the people that hurt Naruto, Konan and Senpai, and that we make them pay for what they did."

Tobi, willing to kill? Now that was new. Then again, nothing like this had ever happened in the organisation before. The closest possible event would be Orochimaru's defection when he tried seducing Sasuke and Itachi into a threesome with him, but no one had gotten hurt that badly. Well, except for Orochimaru, but he doesn't count because he's and insane paedophilic snake who enjoys fucking with people's minds and completely destroying what innocent poor little blonde blue-eyed/black-haired red-eyed children/teenagers have.

"Well I say someone give me some food, I'm hungry!"

"Konan!"

Tobi, Hidan and Kisame bounded over to her, engulfing her in a big, squishy group hugs.

"Um guys? I love you too, but I kinda need to breath."

"Sorry!"

They let her go and she slid into the seat next to Pein, only to be pulled into another hug.

"It's good to have you back."

"Yeah, hi."

He released her, and they smiled tenderly at each other.

"Get a fucking room, will ya?"

And that's the moment ruined. Thank you, Hidan.

"So how are you feeling?"

"Well my head hurts like fuck, but other than that I'm fine. Where's Sasuke and Naruto?"

"Still in their room."

"Hey, I'll call them! OI BITCHES, GET YOUR ASSES THE FUCK DOWN HERE!"

"Hidan...Are you always so fucking loud! I have a head ache, you damn asshole!"

"Ow! Kuzu, Konan hit me!"

"Okay."

"Are you even listening to me?"

"No, not really."

"Asstard."

"Konan!"

"Hi Naruto, hi Sasuke!"

"Hn."

"Little brother, why does Naruto have your shirt on?"

"Cause it smells like him!"

Everyone present stared as Naruto jumped in Sasuke's lap and started rubbing himself against the older boy like a cat.

"Dude, Sasuke, what the hell did you give him?"

"Hey, I ain't on any drugs or shit!"

"You're acting like you are."

Naruto pouted, and Sasuke wrapped his arms around the blonde.

"Kisame, shut up."

"What? But-"

"Kisame, the reason my foolish little brother and Naruto are acting strange is that they've fallen in love. And I'm pretty sure they've just had sex."

...

...

...

...

...

"Zetsu, what's 'sex'?"

"You don't want to know, Tobi. And you don't need to know either."

"Okay!"

"Damn you Weasel! Why the hell did you put the fucking images in my head!"

"Oh calm down already, it's not like you aren't doing it yourself!"

"What the hell Kisame?"

"We all know that you get fucked senseless by Kakuzu!"

"W-What?"

"Zetsu, what's 'fucked senseless' mean?"

"Come on Tobi, we're leaving."

"But Tobi wants to know!"

"Well I'm not explaining it, and neither is anyone else, so let's go!"

Tobi and Zetsu left the kitchen, and Kisame smirked at the gaping Hidan.

"What's wrong, nothing to say?"

"Well, well, you and Itachi are totally doing each other!"

"ENOUGH!"

The argument over who's having sex with who quieted down as they all turned to look at their Leader.

"This is breakfast, not sex life discussion time!"

"Wait a minute...So if Sasuke's fucking Naruto, Kakuzu's fucking Hidan, Kisame's fucking Itachi, you're fucking me, and Zetsu and Tobi don't count...Does that mean Sasori is fucking Deidara?"

...

"Awkward turtle!"

"You do that too?"

"I'm the one that taught Deidara!"

"Where'd you learn it?"

"Eh, one of my friends that was always doing it taught me."

"Okay..."

"What's wrong with Sasori?"

"I think he's passed out."

"Only one way to find out...Poking Time!"

Poke.

Poke.

Poke Pokedy Poke Poke.

"Yup, he's out cold."

"Probably shock or embarrassment. Or both."

"Eh, just leave him then."

"No! We must draw him a mustache!"

...

"Awkward turtle!"

Silence. That was all he heard when he woke up. No screams of pain, no evil laughter. For a few seconds he thought he was dead, but then pain shot though his body and he decided that he was definitely still alive. Which meant, he wasn't in Orochimaru's lair anymore. The last thing he remembered was Konan telling him that everything was going to be okay...So that he meant he was back at the Akatsuki base, most likely in the hospital room. He grunter slightly as he levered himself up into a sitting position and looked around. Everything seemed off, kinda flat, and he puzzled over that a few minutes before remembering. He'd cut his left eye out, no more depth perception. Well, that sucked. He gingerly reached up to inspect the hollow, surprised to find it covered by bandages. That meant they knew, because Orochimaru certainly didn't fix any of his wounds for him. But if they knew, why was he still here? Didn't they realise he was of no use to them? Didn't they know a bomber with no depth perception was the most useless thing asise a chocolate teapot? Didn't they know-

"Dei Dei! You're awake!"

He looked up and caught a brief glimpse of yellow and orange before he was knocked back onto the bed, a large weight boring down on his chest.

"Hi! Hi! Hi!"

"He focused his one eye on the mass and found it to be none other than Naruto.

"Um, hi, un."

"You've been out too long! Konan woke up this morning, it's evening already! Oh yeah, I should tell Kakuzu you're awake! KAKUZU!"

"What is it?"

Kakuzu walked in and blinked.

"Ah, you're awake already. That was faster than I'd have expected. Naruto, get off him."

"But-"

"He's recovering from life-threatening injuries, you're hurting him."

"Oh! Sorry!"

His hyperactive brother clambered off him and bounced over to the door, and he pushed himself back up.

"Imma tell everyone you're awake!"

And then he was gone.

"Is he wearing Sasuke's shirt, un?"

"Yes. If you don't want to hear a discussion that really should never have happened, don't ask."

Deidara blinked. What the hell had he missed? Apparently, a lot.

"So, how are you feeling?"

"Like shit."

"On the bright side, at least you're alive."

"Dei Dei!"

"Not again!"

And once more he was tackled to the bed, this time by the combined forces of Konan, Hidan, Kisame, Tobi and Naruto (who decided that he had to flying hug tackle his brother again, for whatever reason).

"Off him, now!"

"But-"

"He can't breathe!"

They leapt off him, and as he panted in air he made a mental note to thank Kakuzu later.

"Are you okay?"

"Are you going to try killing me again?"

"No..."

"Then I'm good, un."

He sat back up(for the third time in less than half an hour) and grinned brightly at them.

"Hi."

"Hi."

"I'm probably going to regret this, but why am I not supposed to ask about Naruto wearing Sasuke's shirt, un?"

-One Mental Scarring Of A Fifteen Year Old Boy Named Deidara Later-

"That's gross, un!"

"Homophobe!"

"Hypocrite!"

"Am not! I am referring to the fact that you had to describe, in detail, every. little. thing. you. did! That was waay too much information, un!"

"Yeah, well, you're going to be fucking puppet fucker so suck it up, bitch."

"Holy shit your face is red."

"Sh-Shut up! You guys are evil!"

"Aw, love you too Dei Dei! But seriously, you should've been there at breakfast! When we figured out you two were fucking-"

"We're not!(un)"

"Sasori got all red and passed out! How cute!"

Sasori growled as he fought down the urge to punch them. Stupid people, stupid organisiation, stupid feelings.

"Hey Sasuke, I'm tired. Can we go to bed now please?"

"Hn. Come on then."

"Hey Kakuzu, is Dei Dei allowed out of the hospital room yet?"

"As long as he stays with someone else, yes."

"Awesome! Let's have a sleep over!"

"Let me rephrase that. As long as he stays with someone responsible."

"Aw, meanie!"

"Tch. Come on brat, it's time for you to go to bed."

"I'm not a brat, un."

But he still dutifully followed him along the hallways. Sasori had just turned a corner when he heard a smack and an 'Ow, un'. Right, when the boy had cut his eye out he'd lost his depth perception. He walked back over to Deidara, and aware that he'd probably regret this later, he wrapped an arm around the blonde's waist and pulled him along.

"D-Danna, un?"

"Kakuzu will kill me if you bash into anymore walls."

Well, it was true, even if the real reason was that he just wanted an excuse to hold him.

"All right then."

The boy yawned, subconsciously leaning further into Sasori as he did.

"I never knew Itachi was such a perv, un."

"Why do you think he wears girls cloths so much?"

They entered the room, and he lead Deidara over to his bed.

"I thought he was just a cross dresser."

"No, apparently he wears them for when he and Kisame do...Stuff..."

Deidara seemed to think a while before wrinkling his nose up in disgust.

"Ew. Mental images, un."

Sasori chuckled as he finished putting away the puppet he'd been working on earlier and sat down upon his own bed.

"Maybe Itachi would like that prostitute outfit I wore for that one mission..."

"You still have that?"

"It didn't fit Konan and it seemed a waste to throw it away, un!"

"Packrat."

"Am not!"

"Are too."

Am not!"

"Are too."

"Whatever, un."

Deidara pouted, then glared at him.

"You are so immature."

"Tch, yeah right. You're the brat around here."

"Not a brat, un."

"Yeah you are, you're my brat."

Shit, that just slipped out.

"Well you're my danna, un, so I guess that makes sense."

The blonde grinned at him, and he smiled back. His smile faded though as his thoughts and eyes wandered to the bandages covering the left side of Deidara's face.

"You know brat, there's something I don't get."

"Un?"

"Why'd you cut out your eye?"

The grin faded, and Deidara looked down, fidgeting and quite obviously upset.

"You don't have to answer if you don't want to."

"No, it's just, well, um, how am I going to do my explosions with just one eye?"

"We'll figure something out. Maybe we could get Sasuke to make you a mechanical eye or something."

He smiled reassuringly at the young boy.

"Un, the reason I cut out my eye, is because O-O-Oro-that guy told me there was a tracker in it, and that he could use it to trace me back to wherever I was."

"And you believed him?"

Deidara blinked back the tears that were beginning to form. No! He wouldn't cry! Not in front of Sasori!

"I-I couldn't afford not to, if he was telling the truth he could've traced me back to you and the others and then-"

He broke off, horrified to find big fat water drops making their way down his face. The bed shifted under an increase in weight, then Sasori's arms were around him and he was sobbing into the redhead's chest. Yeah, this was really helping his argument that he wasn't a brat. Strangely enough, Sasori didn't seem to mid holding him, rubbing soothing circles on his back. Completely abnormal, but oh well. He wasn't complaining. After all, Sasori was warm, and he felt safe in his arms. Plus he kinda sorta had a small tiny crush on him...Who was he kidding, he was head over heels for the older man. Deidara knew it was pathetic, he knew that he was pathetic, but he couldn't help but pretend that Sasori really did love him, and that he wasn't just holding him because he needed to be held but because he could. He was seriously one pathetic brat, he should stop this now. Any longer and it'll break his heart to come back to reality.

"I-I'm sorry, un."

He started pulling away, only for Sasori to grab him and pull him back into his arms.

"D-Danna?"

"Ssh, don't say anything."

Uncomfortable in this position, he fidgeted a bit before giving in and crawling into Sasori's lap. He tentatively reached his arms up to hold onto his danna's, and rested his head against the elders chest. It was a lot more comfortable than he'd ever imagined, and combined with his overwhelming exhaustion from being attacked multiple times during the few hours he'd been awake, it wasn't surprising that he fell asleep within a few minutes.

Sasori smiled as he ran his fingers through long blonde hair. Deidara stirred in his sleep and he froze, before deciding that the teen was still asleep and continued his actions. Yup, he had officially screwed his emotions over big time, but it felt so right he didn't care. Once again Deidara stirred, and he detangled his fingers from the blonde locks as he watched the boy wake up. A blue eye fluttered open, and a smile spread across his face.

"Morning Danna!"

"Good morning, brat."

The boy pouted and stuck out his tongue before sitting up and stretching, his back arching like a cat.

"Not a brat, un."

"You are to me."

"What does that even mean?"

"This."

He leaned forwards towards the confused blonde and kissed him, silencing any response the boy might have come up with.

"Zetsu?"

"Yes Tobi."

"Please tell Tobi what sex is!"

"You don't want to know."

"But Tobi does want to know! Tobi has to know everything, because Tobi is a good boy!"

"Ask Konan."

"But she's scary!"

"I am not explaining what sex is to you!"

"Then how about Zetsu shows Tobi?"

Zetsu stared at Tobi for several seconds before passing out with a loud Whump!

"Tobi is a good boy!"

**And this chapter is done. Meh. I don't really like it, I feel as if it's disappointing compared to what I'd hoped for, but I can't think of anything else to do with it. I'm kind of sad now, after this there's just the epilogue and then this story is over! But I still have other stories to work on, so I shouldn't be so sad... Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this chapter!**


	13. Epilogue

**Note: I do not own any of the characters used in this story, and receive no monetary benefit from writing/posting this. **

"Another one?"

"Yes. You two are to destroy Iwagakure: New Directions, 3rd Illionois District Factory. They've been dumping sewage and chemicals into Lake Michigan."

"Sewage? Gross, un."

"Move out!"

"Yes sir!"

"Sasori no Danna, un?"

"Yes brat?"

Deidara pouted at the nickname but easily moved on.

"Can I blow this place up? Please?"

"Maybe."

"Please?"

"It depends on the lay out."

"Okay, un."

He hummed as he followed Sasori along, for once happy with the world. If only people would stop polluting the beauty of nature, everything would be perfect. Just then, Sasori extended a hand towards him and he easily linked his fingers with the elders. Scratch his earlier thoughts, life with Sasori was perfect as it was.

"Tonight's Akatsuki Night Out."

"Hm. Maybe the bathroom bitch will be there again, un."

"Bathroom bitch? Seriously?"

"Yup, un!"

Sasori laughed lightly, and Deidara felt his smile grow even wider at the sound.

"You are the strangest person I have ever met."

"Un!"

They walked along in silence for a while, Sasori staring straight ahead while Deidara looked up at the sky, their linked hands the only sign that they knew the other was still there.

"There it is."

He snapped his head back down to view the large, gray buildings with black smoke escaping the enormous chimneys.

"Explosions, un?"

"Explosions."

Deidara grinned as he pulled out some clay, hands already molding it into a bird. He loved this part.

After all, Art is a Bang!

**It's done…I'm going to go cry now…But anyways, I hope you enjoyed the story! **


End file.
